[ashes@work]

ive never wrote my dad a letter..im sure when i was 6 or 7 i bet i made him a card.. i wonder if thats still around in a box somewhere..not sure if anyone understands my real thought process. im not sure if i understand it.. im guessing in the end this wont be a letter to my dad..but the thoughts i have right now for my dad... theres a song out by the group that won can you duet last year i think... address in the stars... and that song might have made me cry more so then a few others at this time..there are lots of songs that brings tears in my eyes..but that song gave me the realizeation that i wont ever be able to call my dad again and ask him what channel the games on..or who they are playing this week..or whats shakken in ktown...or just to call and say daddio i love you umm can i borrow 10 bucks..or did you read that article in the rolling stone...or whats for dinner...or the best a few days before he passed..it was my birthday...and he called me to sing me happy birthday as we had already had a birthday party for both of us the week before..i mean really the smallest things ever...that im just never going to be able to do again...im 29 years old.. i was suppose to have those little things for a long time to come..... 9 days ago i did lose my daddio to a train/car accident. its something thats turned my heart inside out. However it has shown me that i have great friends and family full of love and support.. and i hate for the ill rudeness in me and yes i do know they only ask how im doing because they care..but really does me telling you im doing ok..me straight faced lying to you about it..really suppose to somehow make me feel better or is it to make you feel better? no im friggin terrible.. i cry my eyes out all the time.. to a point i want to get sick sometimes. i was forced back to work after 4 days off because my company only allowes 2 days grievence.. and even after that..when im not ready..sure they care enoguh to let me have off as many days as i want..but i cant afford any more no pays..and i have to leave myself some vacation time.....It sucks real bad to lose someone close... before you are able to show them how much you love and apperciate them or more so how much just because you know how much they love you that you want to show them that you plan to not always be the disappointment..that you plan to do something great with your life.. you always think i have tons of time.. he will get to see me married & happy... and get rid of that small house in town for a big house in the country.. he will get to push his grand daughter in her swing and all with that fabulous smile on his face he always has. and although noone who will read my thoughts today know my dad... i just want him to know that I know hes not ever been in a hurry... and how much he apperciates cars.. that i know in my heart that he didnt see or hear that train.... but in the end i thought maybe a letter would make me feel better.. that wasnt the case.. because ive not really thought much on my religion in a real long time. not that i ever felt i had lost every single drip of faith i had... but so much about religion came to a point of money these days.. who should have to pay to believe in something. i donno. just seems odd.. but just because i dont go to church doesnt mean i have no faith... i might not fully understand it at this time..and noone says i have to... but if just because at this moment..because i know my father did have full faith and didnt mind paying for what he believed in..that this time only i want to believe there is a heaven and thats where he went. then i can.. the reason is..if he was in a heaven.. i know he could look down on me... and never would i have to try to find an address in the stars.. he could just hear my thoughts.. i give up. i would rather just be able to talk to my dad again.

[Cookiegal]

Your words brought tears to my eyes and I wish I could say something that would bring you some comfort or make this burden easier for you to bear. All I can say is that I'm so very sorry for your loss ashes. No one should have to lose a parent at such a young age. I know that he would want you to be strong and rejoice in the time you did have together and cherish the memories. He will be sharing life's moments with you only it will be from above. The place he has in your heart is forever.

[ashes@work]

Thank you Cookiegal. Your words do help

[twinofangelize56]

Oh, Ashes..... What a terrible horrible thing to have to go through. You don't have to go through it alone. Reach out and talk about him to everyone.... family, friends, us. Don't keep it inside and don't fight the feelings when they come up at inopportune times.... because believe me they will.

I'll tell you what everyone says when a loved one dies.... time will heal your heart and soul and the memories will always be there to keep them alive. It's true, Ashes. You won't want to really believe it possible because this time it's in your corner. This time it hit you in the face with a reality that can numb you and blind you.

But Ashes..... one day it will get easier and then the next and the next and maybe over a very long period.... but you will get to that place Ashes.

I'm sure you are aware that I lost my mother when I was 21 years old. A different scenario.... but she was ripped from my life before she should have been. I've never been the same since. Sure.... I don't mope and cry and flounder on life's journey.... but I wear the loss in my heart, mind and soul. And then there was Marlene..... What a rip off right there! I wanted her to be there when I was an old lady of 80! We would dress up and do silly old lady things together or just sit around sipping lemonade and reminiscing about the good old days. HA! Damn you life's curves, twists and turns. Damn you....

Believe me, Ashes, when I say writing about your dad will help you in so many ways through your grief. Even if you don't think anyone else will get it or even care because they didn't know him.... do it for YOU!

I know how you feel about having to return to work and frigging life so soon. Who's idea was that anyway? I was lucky.... LUCKY? I had a husband when my mother died. I actually quit my job and left life sit outside my door for over six months before I came around with his help. Six Months! I didn't feel sorry for myself..... I just didn't feel like going on with mundane things..... Like working, playing, sharing, laughing..... So yes.... I understand how you feel. Just don't do what I did. It's the mundane things in this life that will get you through this.

Faith is what you believe in, Ashes. Not what a church stands for or against. I remember being really mad at a God that would take away a wonderful woman in her prime when my mother died. Took me a long time to think that over and get back to where I was with my own faith and belief..... and even then it changed my thoughts greatly. So greatly, that when Marlene died, I knew she would be with my mother and father in this glorious place some call heaven.... free of pain and suffering and fear. And they will be saving a spot for me when my time comes.

So, Ashes, do whatever it takes to move forward, even if you find yourself moving back at times. But don't try to do it alone. Reach out and you will find the comfort you need right now.

God rest your father's soul and I pray He will also comfort and guide you through this.

*HUGS*

What is your father's name, Ashes? First name only is okay. I'd love to say a prayer for him.

[LANMaster]

You're in my thoughts and prayers, Ashes. I could feel your every breath and the lumnp in your throat as you wrote that, and I just want to say how honored I am that you shared that in here.

I feel richer just knowing the bit you shared about your Dad and the clear love that you feel for him shows me what a precious man he was.

My Mom & Dad are in their 70's now, and they are not in the best of health.
Thanks to your post .... I am going to call them both this evening.

My heart goes out to you, Ashpunk. I wish I could give you a big hug. Please keep your friends close to you in this time. I know it helps a lot.

[SIR****TMG]

My Mom & Dad are in their 80's now, and they are not in the best of health. I gave up my job working for the goverment ,to take care of them. My dad had a stroke 5 years ago and my mom still helps me care for him. I know at heart what you feel and are talking about, I left my job at $30.00 an hour to take care of my parents. Money and that job were not as important as my folks.

[LauraMJ]

I'm so sorry, Ashes.........(((hugs)))

[ekim68]

Ashes, I've revisited this thread a number of times today. My condolences for your loss. In the last few years I've lost my parents and you're right about wanting to say more, so much more......But, then there were the good times and good thoughts....Stay strong....

[GeekyGrannie]

Oh sweetheart, my heart is breaking for you. Please accept my sincerest condolences...

I have been busy with life getting in the middle of my life... and have not been to this forum in seven months... Yours is the first post I saw today...

I want to reach out and hold you... I want to tell you it is okay to cry... and I also want to tell you that you don't have to go through this alone... you have many friends here that love and support you.

We didn't have too much contact with each other in the short time I was here before, but I have read many of your posts and I can see you are loved and respected here.
I am here for you too, with love and support and a big shoulder to cry on if you need it. You are in my thoughts and in my heart.

With a big loving hug,

Susan

[dotty999]

ashes I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your wonderful dad, I lost mine when I was 10 years old, I guess we all have our own way of dealing with grief and whatever helps you even in a small way is worth embracing.

I know you're crying and that's good, it's better to release your emotions if you can, talk about how you feel to those close to you, know that your friends here care for you and will always be here when you need them.

[Drabdr]

Ashes, thank you. I know that may seem an odd thing to say to someone who just lost their father. But, I figure that no words in any language coming from anybody can really give you any comfort.

I say thank you for thinking enough of the people here to share your heart and your soul. That is so risky to do. But hopefully, that risk will have some level of payoff.

I say thank you because it reminds me of the pain that my wife went through when she lost her dad. I will never forget that. I had to tell her the news. I wished it could have been anything else on earth, but that. But anyway, your letter and your thoughts reminded me to tell people what I think and feel now, while they are here. Tell them when they are still of sound mind; before the awful effects of Alzheimer's disease takes it's toll on the people that we love.

I'm sorry; I really really am. But your words and thoughts reminded me to tell my mom and dad that I love them; and that I will not take them for granted. I hope in some strange way, that gives you some level of solace.

I know you don't know me very well, but I (and I'm sure your friends here too) will be more than happy to be your sounding board; for whatever you need.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers in the next few days.

Ashes, I'm a dad. And yes... he did know how you felt; how much you loved him; and he carried it with him every day.

[pyritechips]

Aww Jeez Ashes! A big gentle pounce to help ease your soul. I know what it's like to lose a dad so I am crying for you.

[hannab]

Ashes, my heart goes out to you, I lost my Dad seventeen years ago and I'm still missing him there's no one who quite loves you or takes care of you like your Dad.

My family started out in the Midwest, but my Dad's job moved him to the East coast. He had to come ahead to find a new home for his family. I imagine him up in Heaven, getting things ready for us again.


"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

[PCcruncher]

So sorry for you ashes! I hope you have someone close to you that you can go to talk and get comfort.
I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a parent, the closest death to me was a good friend of mine that was killed in a car accident when he was 17, and only a few hours since I had been with him.

Praying for you, and keep your chin up!
-PCcruncher

[wordsmith]

Ashes, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to loss a father. Mine died two years and two days ago. I miss him each and every day. I still start to pick up the phone to call him to see how he's doing or tell him what we are doing here. Then I feel his love and know that he is looking down on us showering us with his love.