[EdGreene]

OK, so I don't do Christmas...

I do send cards...

And my list for this card is short...

[EdGreene]

To George, from the Ed-ster
Who loves Ya-Baby?

[bonzobob999]

Originally Posted by EdGreene

OK, so I don't do Christmas...

I do send cards...

And my list for this card is short...

You have 5 Daughters that have given you grandchildren and "you don't do Christmas"

[EdGreene]

Originally Posted by bonzobob999

You have 5 Daughters that have given you grandchildren and "you don't do Christmas"

What is this, some sort of "Guilt trip" you're trying to put on me? You're because you want me to feel guilty about my politics.

And FYI: Everybody does Christmas, they just don't "Celebrate" Christmas. You can't help "doing" Christmas in the United States.
Even Jehovah's Witnesses "do" Christmas, though they sure as hell don't want to.
Muslims, Jews, Agnostics, Atheists-all-"do" Christmas.
People who don't do Christmas Trees "do" Christmas.
You "do" Christmas in the United States or else;
someone sneaks in your house after you've gone to sleep and shoves Christmas up >>>your>>> Aspidistras.


See:
"Celebrate"
Pronunciation: 'se-l&-"brAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -brat·ed; -brat·ing
Etymology: Latin celebratus, past participle of celebrare to frequent, celebrate, from celebr-, celeber much frequented, famous; perhaps akin to Latin celer
transitive senses

1 : to perform (a sacrament or solemn ceremony) publicly and with appropriate rites <celebrate the mass>
2 a : to honor (as a holiday) by solemn ceremonies or by refraining from ordinary business b : to mark (as an anniversary) by festivities or other deviation from routine
3 : to hold up or play up for public notice <her poetry celebrates the glory of nature>
intransitive senses
1 : to observe a holiday, perform a religious ceremony, or take part in a festival
2 : to observe a notable occasion with festivities
synonym see KEEP

[Chicon]

Originally Posted by EdGreene

What is this, some sort of "Guilt trip" you're trying to put on me? You're because you want me to feel guilty about my politics.

And FYI: Everybody does Christmas, they just don't "Celebrate" Christmas. You can't help "doing" Christmas in the United States.
Even Jehovah's Witnesses "do" Christmas, though they sure as hell don't want to.
Muslims, Jews, Agnostics, Atheists-all-"do" Christmas.
People who don't do Christmas Trees "do" Christmas.
You "do" Christmas in the United States or else;
someone sneaks in your house after you've gone to sleep and shoves Christmas up >>>your>>> Aspidistras.


See:
"Celebrate"
Pronunciation: 'se-l&-"brAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -brat·ed; -brat·ing
Etymology: Latin celebratus, past participle of celebrare to frequent, celebrate, from celebr-, celeber much frequented, famous; perhaps akin to Latin celer
transitive senses

1 : to perform (a sacrament or solemn ceremony) publicly and with appropriate rites <celebrate the mass>
2 a : to honor (as a holiday) by solemn ceremonies or by refraining from ordinary business b : to mark (as an anniversary) by festivities or other deviation from routine
3 : to hold up or play up for public notice <her poetry celebrates the glory of nature>
intransitive senses
1 : to observe a holiday, perform a religious ceremony, or take part in a festival
2 : to observe a notable occasion with festivities
synonym see KEEP

I do Christmas too though I don't like turkey !

[bonzobob999]

someone sneaks in your house after you've gone to sleep and shoves Christmas up >>>your>>> Aspidistras.

You still believe in Santa Ed. Oh and make sure you sleep on your back then big guy.

I also have a house full of women and kids Ed even the cats female, I HAVE to do Xmas or else.

[EdGreene]

From all of us who made it...
To all of you who didn't...
"Gary Owens" Troopers!

[bonzobob999]

You've lost me there Ed?

[EdGreene]

T'was the night before Christmas...
Old Santa was p|ssed
He cussed out the elves..
and threw down his list

Miserable little brats...
ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind..
to scrap the whole works

I've busted my @$$...
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa"..
what do I hear

The old lady b|tches...
cause I work late at night
The elves want more money..
The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk...
and screwed all the maids
Donner is pregnant..
and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought...
that things would get better
Those arseholes from IRS..
sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes...
if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever..
sent Santa Clause money?

And the kids these days...
they all are the pits
They want the impossible..
Those mean little sh|ts

I spent a whole year...
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls..
Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's...
No request for them
They want computers and robots..
they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...
just picture this
Try holding those brats..
with their pants full of p|ss

They pull on my nose...
they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..
their moms think I'm weird

Flying through the air...
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys..
and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...
there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat @$$..
and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...
now you know the reason
I found me a blonde and..
I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

I'll laze in the sun...
into bed I'll get tucked
And those snotty nosed brats..
can all go get... Yankee-Doodled!!
(Changed that last part for the censors)
No, that is not my poetry

[EdGreene]

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crispy Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!

What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!

Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A "Holly" Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

[EdGreene]

Proof of the non-existence of Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Please do not tell your kids about this as they will inevitably shoot holes in these calculations and make a fool out of you.

[EdGreene]

Originally Posted by bonzobob999

You've lost me there Ed?

You chose "Bonzo" for a reason then? And at what post # did you get lost?

[bonzobob999]

Originally Posted by EdGreene

You chose "Bonzo" for a reason then? And at what post # did you get lost?

Somebody called me "Bonzo" years ago he was 6'7" 23 stone with a scar from his ear to the corner of his mouth.........I didn't try to put him straight, all the other lads latched on and it stuck. As for the "Bob" well thats me Ed, the 999 I added on the end because somebody else had the username Bonzobob (not on TSG though)

You lost me on #7 Ed, not the post but the reason you posted it.

I'll pass the jokes onto the kids, thanks.

[EdGreene]

Originally Posted by bonzobob999

Somebody called me "Bonzo" years ago he was 6'7" 23 stone with a scar from his ear to the corner of his mouth.........I didn't try to put him straight, all the other lads latched on and it stuck. As for the "Bob" well thats me Ed, the 999 I added on the end because somebody else had the username Bonzobob (not on TSG though)

You lost me on #7 Ed, not the post but the reason you posted it.

I'll pass the jokes onto the kids, thanks.

The thread topic is: "My Christmas Card to..." so one might think the (cryptic) "card" in post #7 was to the Troops-heh?
Go back and reread the "Card"

[bonzobob999]

Its not an Xmas card but as you say "cryptic" the penny has now dropped.
Is that all then Ed, just 3 cards.