[angelize56]

The threads are being closed and restarted at 5000 posts...

[Fidelista]

8 years after Clinton left Washington, DC...
>f

[poochee]

Originally Posted by Fidelista

8 years after Clinton left Washington, DC...
>f

Stop picking on him!

[poochee]

November 13, 2006
Kerry Botches 'Yo Mama' Joke

Omits Words 'Mama' and 'Yo' in West Point Appearance

Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) found himself in the middle of another botched joke controversy today as the 2004 Democratic nominee for president misread a classic "yo mama" joke while making a speech to military cadets at West Point.

After his failed attempt at humor one week before the midterm elections, many observers assumed that the Massachusetts senator would retire from the comedy field once and for all.

But according to one of Mr. Kerry's aides, the former Democratic standard-bearer was determined to prove "just how funny he really can be."

Mr. Kerry decided to leave nothing to chance in his latest attempt at comedy, however, choosing a time-tested joke in the "yo mama" format and having it written on a large cue card which an aide held aloft just yards away from the podium.

According to the plan, the Massachusetts senator was to entertain the cadets by saying, "Yo mama so stupid, it take her an hour to cook Minute Rice."

But inexplicably, Mr. Kerry decided to depart from his prepared remarks and instead told the cadets, "You're so stupid, you're going to wind up stuck in Iraq."

According to a new Newsweek poll, a majority of Americans want Mr. Kerry to get out of comedy altogether.

In a head-to-head match-up with other comedians, Mr. Kerry receives only 4%, trailing David Brenner at 7%, Gallagher at 12%, and Carrot Top at 37%.

Elsewhere, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline announced plans to share custody of their one-year-old son Sean Preston, who will be responsible for driving himself back and forth.

Borowitz Report

[Fidelista]

Originally Posted by poochee

Stop picking on him!

I know you had big smile! >f

[poochee]

Scientists Demote Bush Presidency to Dwarf Status
White House Joins Pluto in New Classification

An international group of scientists who demoted the planet Pluto to dwarf status three months ago met in Oslo, Norway today and reclassified the Bush White House as a dwarf presidency.

In the aftermath of the midterm elections, in which the president's party lost control of both the House and the Senate, the scientists called an emergency meeting in Oslo to determine if the Bush administration in fact still qualified as a presidency.

But with the president's approval rating in a free fall, it became clear even before the scientists convened that some sort of reclassification along the lines of the Pluto demotion was in order.

"When the president's approval rating fell below Kevin Federline's, that was the last nail in the coffin," said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo.

According to Dr. Kyosuke, one of the seventy scientists who gathered in Oslo to reassess the Bush presidency, dwarf status means that Mr. Bush is "less than a president, but more than a mayor."

In another troubling sign that Mr. Bush may be a has-been, White House spokesman Tony Snow revealed today that the president had signed on to make an appearance on the ABC series "Dancing with the Stars."

ABC spokesperson Carol Foyler confirmed that the president was slated to appear, but added that Mr. Bush was far from the network's first choice.

"We wanted Nancy Pelosi, but she said she was too busy," Ms. Foyler said.

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that the human body produces a painkiller several times more potent than morphine, supermodel Kate Moss attempted to inhale herself.

Borowitz Report

[Fidelista]

>f

[poochee]

Originally Posted by Fidelista

>f

[bassetman]

Originally Posted by Fidelista

>f

LOL

[LANMaster]

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: BE RESPONSIBLE


NEW VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down in front of the TV camera to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Dan Rather that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: VOTE REPUBLICAN

[Fidelista]

>f

[Fidelista]

>f

[bassetman]

Funny stuff!

[poochee]

Breaking News
U.S. Bombards Insurgents With Negative Ads
'Operation Relentless Smear' Is Launched In Iraq

In a bold change of strategy in the war in Iraq, President George W. Bush announced today that the U.S. had begun bombarding Iraqi insurgents with negative ads in the hopes of bringing the insurgency to its knees.

At a White House briefing today, spokesman Tony Snow said that the new military campaign, called Operation Relentless Smear, would focus on attacking the personal missteps and hypocrisies of key Iraqi insurgents on a twenty-four-hour basis.

"This new strategy is playing to our strengths," Mr. Snow told reporters. "The insurgents are good at blowing things up and creating chaos, but no one is better than we are at creating negative ads."

According to Mr. Snow, Operation Relentless Smear will re-deploy thousands of negative ad producers, directors, and voiceover artists who were momentarily idle at the conclusion of the U.S.'s midterm election campaign.

Masterminded by the White House's top political strategist Karl Rove, the bombardment of negative ads began at midnight Wednesday, interrupting all local Iraqi programming with a nonstop diet of half-truths, corrosive accusations and character assassination.

By Thursday morning, there were already signs that Operation Relentless Smear was working, as Iraqi insurgents in such key cities as Baghdad and Tikrit appeared worn out by the onslaught of slickly produced attack ads.

"The air strikes and the curfews were one thing," said Hassan El-Medfaii, an insurgent who is based in Baghdad's Sadr City district. "But this is messing with my TV."

Borowitz Report - Winner Of The First-Ever National Press Club Award For Humor November 15, 2006

[bassetman]

Originally Posted by poochee

Breaking News
U.S. Bombards Insurgents With Negative Ads
'Operation Relentless Smear' Is Launched In Iraq

In a bold change of strategy in the war in Iraq, President George W. Bush announced today that the U.S. had begun bombarding Iraqi insurgents with negative ads in the hopes of bringing the insurgency to its knees.

At a White House briefing today, spokesman Tony Snow said that the new military campaign, called Operation Relentless Smear, would focus on attacking the personal missteps and hypocrisies of key Iraqi insurgents on a twenty-four-hour basis.

"This new strategy is playing to our strengths," Mr. Snow told reporters. "The insurgents are good at blowing things up and creating chaos, but no one is better than we are at creating negative ads."

According to Mr. Snow, Operation Relentless Smear will re-deploy thousands of negative ad producers, directors, and voiceover artists who were momentarily idle at the conclusion of the U.S.'s midterm election campaign.

Masterminded by the White House's top political strategist Karl Rove, the bombardment of negative ads began at midnight Wednesday, interrupting all local Iraqi programming with a nonstop diet of half-truths, corrosive accusations and character assassination.

By Thursday morning, there were already signs that Operation Relentless Smear was working, as Iraqi insurgents in such key cities as Baghdad and Tikrit appeared worn out by the onslaught of slickly produced attack ads.

"The air strikes and the curfews were one thing," said Hassan El-Medfaii, an insurgent who is based in Baghdad's Sadr City district. "But this is messing with my TV."

Borowitz Report - Winner Of The First-Ever National Press Club Award For Humor November 15, 2006

Bush will call them "worse than evil doers"!