Hi Bob. Hope you and your Mrs. have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Sorry I was not around to answer your last message on my profile. I have not been to TSG other than a quick "drive-by hello" in quite some time now. My 3 year old keeps me so busy! We have been getting some snow here...a few very cold days (down to 16F degrees one night!) My poor laundry room is overflowing with hats, scarves, boots, coats and gloves for the 5 of us....of course everyone needs 3 sets of everything and my laundry room is very small...*sigh* But we are thankful to have warm clothes for winter..its a lot more than some people have!

How are you doing Bob? You feeling ok? I've thought about you a time or two and hoped you were healthy, happy and all that jazz! What are your plans for the holidays?

*hugs*
val

Three days seems to be the magic number . . . again I've checked the site after you posted three days ago.

I remember winter days in PA when I was growing up. You're in New York, aren't you?? Snow and all that?? Getting out the sweaters and overcoats, are you?

I havent been to the site much either. I've been getting away from online forums a bit and spending more time doing other things so no worries about tardiness because I am tardy too!

Ben's email snippet made me feel a pang in my heart...very poignant to see the things that he wrestled with in his mind. I'm sure it was good for him to write it out to you...writing helps so much when you are feeling down so I am so glad you were there for him...to listen to him so he didnt feel so lonely.

I too have had a random moment here and there when Ben passes through my mind. I wish I had known more of him sooner during my time here at TSG. During the year and a half that I knew him, we didnt talk enough to get to know each other beyond being mere acquaintances until the last few months he was alive. I envy how long your friendship was with him!

All is fine here on the homefront....my kids keep me busy and winter will be upon us before we know it so i'm trying to get ready for that...dont think you can ever be ready enough though!

*hugs*

Thanks. I haven't been to the site for a while, but I see your message was only three days ago, so I'm not too tardy.

Actually, the reason I visited today was that I just got an email notification of somebody responding to the "TSG has lost another member...aarhus2004" thread. Appropriate I guess.

And, since I'm here, let me give you some excerpts from an email I got from Ben last year:

Well it certainly does look as if I am finished with TSG. Out of habit I go there, once or twice a day - but briefly. The feeling is one of no longer belonging. I must have had illusions which, once gone, will not return. That is the story of my life. But I am still puzzled by it until I am again involved in some novelty - caught up in illusion, fired by it but quite unable to prevent the cycle from repeating itself.

Agnosticism has long been my refuge because being a mortal coward, which certainly describes me and a person whose morals are probably worse than the much-maligned alley cat (definitely me), is the only position I feel qualified to take since I believe we simply cannot know beans-all about most things (other people included), ourselves (most particularly included). However I take no pleasure in being one (if indeed my claim is valid).


Clearly the guy was in one of his many depressions.

But at least some of my emails may have cheered him up a bit. From the same one as above:

I enjoy your humour, Bob, and appreciate your graciousness.


Still think about the guy from time to time. In fact, the other day there was something that made me think, "I'll have to tell Ben about that". Then immediately of course I realized.

Hope you are well, Bob!

when I was full of vim & vinegar

You mean you're not now??

Ha! Nope...I have a bit of vim left but the vinegar has been gone for many moons now!

No . . . doesn't bother me any. To use your words, any friend of Ben is a friend of mine.

No worries here . . . am not really critical of other people's beliefs as long as they are genuine, and yours certainly seem to be.

Excellent, thanks. I appreciate that!

I was confused about Ben's date of passing because one son, Tim, had given it as the 26th, and the other son, Nik, had given it as the 24th. So I wrote them a brief email asking about it. I got this response back from Tim:
Hello Bob
the death certificate stated the date of death as being July 24
If he passed on the 24th, then that's particularly poignant for me since he wrote me an email on the 23rd . . . the day before he went (spooky).

I haven't asked about the circumstances of his passing, like if he was in the hospital or they found him in his "cabin". That's pretty sensitive stuff, so if I even ask at all, I'll wait for a few weeks

I cant imagine what might have happened so quickly for him to be writing one day and then gone the next. I kinda figured that he was in the hospital when it happened, since he knew the stitches had reopened. I figured sepsis set in or something like that but maybe it was a blood clot or something sudden like that. It is a very sensitive subject...we may never know. It was good to know that there were lots of people at his wake. I wish I had known..I would have sent some flowers to it.

when I was full of vim & vinegar
You mean you're not now??

I dont know if you have ever seen me around TSG before now but I am a born-again Christian (please dont cringe )
No . . . doesn't bother me any. To use your words, any friend of Ben is a friend of mine.

I am always hesitant making new friends because I worry that if the subject ever comes up, I will push people away with my strong views.
No worries here . . . am not really critical of other people's beliefs as long as they are genuine, and yours certainly seem to be.

The poem was beautiful..i've heard it many times.
Yes, it's very popular at funerals and has even been featured in some TV shows lately.

I was confused about Ben's date of passing because one son, Tim, had given it as the 26th, and the other son, Nik, had given it as the 24th. So I wrote them a brief email asking about it. I got this response back from Tim:

Hello Bob
the death certificate stated the date of death as being July 24 i originally thought it was the twenty sixtth,both of his sisters were informed by me about his death >We had a wake for him at the place where he resided where there were about fifty people in attendance , it was a very touching moment for all i did'nt realise, though my father was somewhat of a recluse he was well loved in his community .Thank-you Bob
Timothy bloxham

If he passed on the 24th, then that's particularly poignant for me since he wrote me an email on the 23rd . . . the day before he went (spooky).

I haven't asked about the circumstances of his passing, like if he was in the hospital or they found him in his "cabin". That's pretty sensitive stuff, so if I even ask at all, I'll wait for a few weeks.

Just stopping by to say hi! Hope you are well.

Quick story because I don't have time right now to do justice to your latest. Will respond at length later today.

My Catholic school memory goes all the way back to the 1950’s.

I got confirmed when I was about 8 years old. At that age, in the Roman Catholic church as I'm sure you know you are "confirmed" as a "soldier of Christ". The "Confirmation" ceremony is an intimidating one - especially for an 8 year old. You stand before a bishop, dressed in somber and royal robes and with a staff that looks like it's taller than it really is, and are asked several catechism questions, then you have to kiss his ring, and then he pronounces you "confirmed".

I'm sure I'm telling you stuff you already know, but it's the impact this experience had on me that's the story.

In preparation for that event, the nuns pound the catechism into you so that you'll for sure know the answers to the questions that the bishop asks you.

They also tell you this story, which is the terrifying part:

Once you're confirmed as a soldier of Christ, you must always say "Yes" if someone asks you if you are a Catholic. If you don't say "Yes", then you'll go to Hell for denying that you're a Catholic.

The Communists (remember, this was the 50's) will shoot you if you are a Catholic.

For years after that, I lived in fear of meeting a Communist on the street. If he asked me if I was a Catholic, I was damned either way. If I said "No", I would go to Hell. If I said "Yes", he would shoot me.

The nuns did indeed give me a good education for all their faults and flaws. But that was a hell of a choice to place on an 8 year old. No wonder I'm still dysfunctional and psychologically scarred.

OK . . . that's the quick story. As I said I'll reply more later.

Ben had asked you one time . . . I have the same question: should we be counting characters?? Does this thing have a limit . . . have you ever hit it??

Neither Ben nor I ever hit the character limit, which surprises me because we were both "wordy" people. I am pretty sure it is the same as the regular forums limits...i'm not sure what it is but know that I did hit it a few times in some of the debates I was involved in "back in the day" when I was full of vim & vinegar. I had to go back and deleted portions of my reply because I was over the character limits...yep, they were real doozies, lol!


I tried that "Open Contacts Popup" and it was very cool, EXCEPT it showed that Ben was obviously offline . . . very sad reminder. I'm wondering if I should remove him from my friends list . . . waddya think?? It would be to avoid nasty little reminders like that.

I dont know...I still have angelize56 (Marlene) on my friend list and she's been gone for over a year now. I do feel sad when I see her name and at some point, I will probably remove it, along with Ben's...its up to you and when you feel ready to let go, though. If it bothers you then there's nothing wrong with removing it.

I never could figure out where Ben stood on those things, though I never really probed because in my way of thinking those things are personal and should be left that way. If someone wants to offer their views on those things, fine, but I'm not going to dig it out or argue it if it's their belief and not mine.

I agree..I am content to leave things alone if people dont want to talk about them, although I do enjoy a good debate when the other party is willing.

I do make an exception for those Jehovah Witnesses that knock on my door (and so did Ben btw . . . he and I did talk about that specifically). I always invite them in kindly (no reason to get nasty with those folks) and get around to discussing the Bible. Now I'm pretty much a heathen myself (been long since excommunicated by the Pope I'm sure, and am certainly not running for sainthood . . . just ask my wife on that one), but when I ask them if Cain and Able had a brother, they usually don't know. Heathen me knows more about the Bible than they do (the answer is Seth, as I'm sure you know).

I have had some nice conversations with the JW's too. I dont know if you have ever seen me around TSG before now but I am a born-again Christian (please dont cringe ) and have been studying the Bible for about 11 years now. I'm not a preachy person but I do feel that matters of faith are extremely important to deal with at some point in a person's life. Aside from that...my faith has brought me so much peace and joy that its hard not to share it sometimes. Its like finding a treasure that you want to share but having to accept that some people are already content with what they have and dont want what you offer. Lots of people joke and call me a Bible thumper...but I really only "thump" in the debates. I have friends who have made it clear that our religious differences are off limits and I totally respect that and we dont bring it up. On the other hand...I have had a few people who have said they wanted to debate it but then didnt bargain for the argument they got and then walked away angry because they thought I would tiptoe around their sensibilities. I am always hesitant making new friends because I worry that if the subject ever comes up, I will push people away with my strong views. Dont get me wrong...I am not mean about it in any way. I try to be as loving as possible....but still....well you know, matters of faith are a very sensitive area for people.

I also am not a member of the Catholic church anymore. I was raised Catholic but left the church in my mid-to late 20's. My family had a fit and according to the 95 Catechism, I am going to hell for abandoning Christ's one and only "true" church. Oh well...I believe that I can have a relationship with God without the RCC telling me how I am to conduct that relationship.

Well . . . enough about that. I just wanted to say that it was something Ben and I stayed away from . . . with the exception of the Jehova Witnesses. Here's one of the kinder things he had to say about them:

The Jehovah's Witnesses have put me back on their target list and I sat with two wives recently while their husbands chewed the chaff in their posh car (Volvo). What a difference a couple or three years makes in us all. The wife I knew from the past began by reminding me of the girl I was engaged to in New Zealand who was a Witness (so I found out later). Nothing like going on the offensive. And these people are hardened from the conflict they have taken to heart.

Haha...I bet it was a real treat to sit and talk with Ben like that.


My single (loner, loser, mis-fit,hermit?) life is not so dissimilar. I have two modes which are antithetical, able to cope and not so. Two memories as it were, which, if I retain both, may sustain my existence regardless of the quality, the down-market quality of each. There is my trap. Show me a man not trapped by his life and we shall be in one of three places - heaven, hell or neither (between? - if that's a place). Life is the trap we find ourselves in, between the before and the after.

How sad, Bob, that he felt this way. He sounded world-weary and without hope.

The poem was beautiful..i've heard it many times.