[franca]

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; You grow old because you stop laughing.

[Hulk701]

Originally Posted by franca

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; You grow old because you stop laughing.

That sounds like something I heard when I was 5 yrs old...

[Island Girl]

Originally Posted by Hulk701

That sounds like something I heard when I was 5 yrs old...

Hulk, you're probably thinking of the one "Don't look like that of your face is liable to freeze"

[Hulk701]

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

[JEBWrench]

Hey, what's wrong with New Jersey?

The British have to go to France at the end of theirs, afterall.

[Hulk701]

Throughout the years New Jersey has had a reputation of crime, corruption, race riots and pollution. That's why they brought gambling to the state... In the 1960s-70's they had to build underground tunnels between buildings to keep workers from being mugged on the streets..

But y'ur right, the French are worse...

Jesus was standing on the Mount talking to his people.

''Let He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."

Just then a stone came flying flying out from nowhere to hit him hard on the back of the head.

''Ouch Dad, I hate it when you do that!"

[Hulk701]

Here's something for religious people:

[Hulk701]

Here's some more the the rest of you:

This guy owns a compaq




Wait......I'm the mouse....



You Tire me out...Now I gotta get this big lunkhead offa me

[Hulk701]

Anatomy Lesson:

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[Hulk701]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It is a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch; watch the watch; watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.



"Sh!t!"said the Hypnotist.



It took three days to clean up the senior center .



(Wha......

did everybody unsubscribe to this thread I feel like I'm talkin' to me-self here )

[MorrisAO]

Originally Posted by Hulk701

(Wha......

did everybody unsubscribe to this thread I feel like I'm talkin' to me-self here )

I didn't think your jokes were that bad, Hulk...

[MorrisAO]

A representative from The Butterball Turkey Corporation went to see the Pope and asked him to change the Lord's Prayer from "Give us our daily bread" to "Give us our daily turkey.”

The Pope said that it is impossible.

The Butterball rep said that the corporation is prepared to give the church a billion dollars to change it.

The Pope agrees to discuss it with the head Cardinals.

The next day the Pope calls them all together and announces he has good news and bad news.

"The good news", he begins "is that the church is to come into a billion dollars. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"

[MorrisAO]

Buck, a turkey farmer, was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, Buck was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"


They all asked the farmer how it tasted.


"I don't know" said Buck. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

[Knotbored]

sorry if this might be a duplicate-but I didn't find it
---
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
all
of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I
am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed
to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get
fed
again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He
nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and
don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All
you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
own
cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It
ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got
in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him
once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's
6'8"
and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto
this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

[franca]

Polish Joke

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect,
they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him
the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and

put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'