[Couriant]

Originally Posted by Zaney1

Two African American guys are driving through a small town in the deep south one night when suddenly a police car appears behind them, lights flashing, siren blaring. The diver pulls over & he's like " man what's this about" ? Cop walks up to the driver window & says" License & registration". As the driver gets the window halfway down the cop hits him with his flashlight in the face. The driver asks " man, what was that for" ? The cop nonchalantly replies " not fast enough, now license & registration" then he strolls around to the other side of the car while the driver gets the requested items. The passenger rolls his window down & BAM! the cop hits him in the face with his flashlight. The passenger asks " man, what was THAT for" ? The cop says "I was just making your wish come true". The passenger asks " my what... what are you talking about" ?
The cop says " Well, I figured you wouldn't have driven half a mile down the road before you turned to your buddy and said: I wish that M___f___r would have hit me like that.

uhh

And also please do not use profainty here. Even if you are editing it. Forum rules.

[Hulk701]

Why are Thanksgiving turkeys always fat?

They gobble their food....

What has feathers and webbed feet?
A turkey wearing scuba gear

How do you mail a turkey?
Bird class mail

Why did the turkey loose the fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him

What do you call a really dumb turkey?
A jerky turkey

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle
Waddle who?
Waddle you do if I eat too much...

Why do women like Thanksgiving?
Its the one day when fat thighs are a good thing..

[ymfoster]

Subject: Darwin Awards


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here then, are the glorious winners.

Darwin Award Winners:

10. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

9 . The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

8 . A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

7 . After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

6. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

5 . A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

4 . Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

3. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

2. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! (Drum Roll Please)

1. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[franca]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his #$&^ing guide dog bit me."

[Hulk701]

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!


Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

[GoJoAGoGo]

Baptism Blooper ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q31nA6LCMxE

[Zaney1]

I just want to apologize to everyone offended by a joke I posted the other day where I used a comic cuss word. It was also something that only a certain segment of the population could appreciate ( I did a family survey this Thanksgiving). Anyway I'll keep it clean in the future. I'm an ex Marine & an X jock & things get racy in both of those microcosm's. Personal apology to Couriant

[Hulk701]

Originally Posted by Zaney1

I just want to apologize to everyone offended by a joke I posted the other day where I used a comic cuss word. It was also something that only a certain segment of the population could appreciate ( I did a family survey this Thanksgiving). Anyway I'll keep it clean in the future. I'm an ex Marine & an X jock & things get racy in both of those microcosm's. Personal apology to Couriant

No apology's necessary. I didn't understand the joke myself but that wouldn't be the first time I didn't understand a joke, and as for Couriant well, she's English and therefore easily offended....

[Zaney1]

Thanks Hulk, I felt badly when I thought I crossed the line. I thought blanks would be cool. Yeah, my family informs me that unless you know what a DRB is the joke doesn't make sense. Incidentally, (Driving while Black or Brown). Reference to racial profiling.

[franca]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Hulk701
as for Couriant well, she's English and therefore easily offended....

...I think you may get some flack over that one Hulk...

[Hulk701]

Originally Posted by Shamou

...I think you may get some flack over that one Hulk...

Well____that

BTW, I get the joke now, its an anti-racist joke..

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Hulk701

Well____that

BTW, I get the joke now, its an anti-racist joke..

Good thing you're not an alarm clock... 'cause you're always a little late...

[dotty999]

Originally Posted by Hulk701

No apology's necessary. I didn't understand the joke myself but that wouldn't be the first time I didn't understand a joke, and as for Couriant well, she's English and therefore easily offended....

HEY! Im also English so don't assume we are all the same or we could say the same of you

[dotty999]

Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.