[Hulk701]

ROFLMAO

Those are good Lexmark and Zaney, and Franca - I've used your joke for new new sig....

[Davec]

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a lawyer, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Hulk701]

Would I be overreaching in saying that joke stunk????....

[bassetman]

Originally Posted by RSM123

Any other Brits remember 'Rainbow' ... children's tv from the 70's ?

Apparently this episode was never broadcast :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvZYB...elated&search=

- Can't think why

[franca]

OK Honey you can come out now !......

[Island Girl]

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other ..
The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells back out window, B I T*C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen ... ...

[lexmarks567]

[franca]

Originally Posted by Island Girl

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other ..
The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells back out window, B I T*C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen ... ...

I Like It ! ........

[franca]

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up and says "Where?"

[franca]

Subject: A Beautiful Christmas Season Story





There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all

the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a

shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it

to see what it was about. The letter read:



"Dear God,



I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone

stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my

next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my

friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.

I have

no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.



Can you please help me?



Sincerely,



Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the

time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an

envelope and sent to the woman.



The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the

dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.



A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the

workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,



"Dear God,



How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift

of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very

nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.



By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those *******s at

the Post Office.........

[lexmarks567]

QUICK JOKES

Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you ?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well son, you must have gotten it from you mother, cause I still have mine."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I reviewed this case very carefully." the divorce court Judge said, "And I decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor, " the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's Hard To Sovle A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute...."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up..

[Couriant]

I posted this somewhere else and too funny not to share

http://youtube.com/watch?v=i8Q8IyPE2aY

[Blackmirror]

Top Tips
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.

Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid *******s.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making 'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

Play 'Moth Aircraft Carriers' by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding irons.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds' style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.

[Blackmirror]

[Blackmirror]

Do you know where that cat is???? ... ( 2 adultishy ones at the end )