[lexmarks567]

Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.





THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!




YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA

[Couriant]

Originally Posted by MorrisAO

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

"I'm out of gas."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered, "BP."

lol i'm suprized franky didn't post that one

[MorrisAO]

Originally Posted by Couriant

lol i'm suprized franky didn't post that one

Me too.

Quite surprised I beat Franca on that one...

[franca]

Originally Posted by Couriant

lol i'm suprized franky didn't post that one

Me 2.......

[franca]

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.
"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

[Zaney1]

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good...Holiday for those of different faiths.
http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf

[lexmarks567]

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?'

'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.'

'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?'

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'

[Greytabby]

okay gang no one has posted a joke for several hours so here are a few blonde jokes.

Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

The blonde secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," the CEO said, "this is a very important document. Do you know how this thing works?"
The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Great," the CEO said as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need just one copy."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right gear, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut another hole in the ice.
Again the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

A blonde was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart and capable by painting a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she buys paint and rollers and gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies "yes."
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house by herself.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she read the directions on the paint can and they said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at adrive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

One blonde related to another, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off. But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

[Greytabby]

okay... here is another joke i found.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

[lexmarks567]

Good


An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

Better

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball".

He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[MightyQueenC]

Got this in an email this am
When it's OK to say the <CWLMST> word ....

[Couriant]

[Pistoff]

Scientific Philosophies

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

[remaja]

mom: before we open the presents let us have a moment of silence.

children: why, what for?

Mom: for the long departed balance in our bank account.

[lexmarks567]

Originally Posted by MightyQueenC

Got this in an email this am
When it's OK to say the <CWLMST> word ....

When is it ok to shoot your kids