[franca]

Originally Posted by Blackmirror

whats black and whit lives in trees and is highly dangerous ???







a magpie with a machine gun

That magpie better watch out for my cat Donna......

[lexmarks567]

you stole candys cat

[franca]

Originally Posted by lexmarks567

you stole candys cat

Shssssssssssssssssssh....... It's supposed to be a secret.......

[Skivvywaver]

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up a nd buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.



The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her .






Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.



(P.S. If he were just going to marry the one with the biggest boobs then why did he spend 15,000 bucks? I don't quite get it ), Skivvy.

[Island Girl]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.



"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."



"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.



"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?"



Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."



The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.



Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.




I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".



Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.



"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge
semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came
on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over
to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.



Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"



"Now what the#%*%# would you say?

[franca]

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately, "your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

[Scorpion]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



Scorp

[Scorpion]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"



Scorp.

[franca]

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet. There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear. The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, *******!''........

[Scorpion]

Originally Posted by franca

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet. There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear. The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, *******!''........

Good one!

S.

[Scorpion]

I had this sent to me in an email, and I thought it was sooo true...lol

This was written by a black guy in Texas.....so funny.....what a
great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored folks???

Scorp.

[Scorpion]

No Spikka inglish

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.. Den two ***** come together. I come once-a-more. Two *****, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Scorp.

[Couriant]

"Either he has a light bulb up his a** or his colon has a great idea." - Dr. Cox

[help4me]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a company party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack has to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him,all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Wendy." He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee.

His son is also at the table, eating. ack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His
son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she triedto take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone; I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time. PRICELESS!!!





Sorry if this is a repeat

[Couriant]

it wasn't. and thats funny