[Shamou]

Hulk... that rabbit joke just broke me up...

[WhitPhil]

How to treat a woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

[help4me]

Originally Posted by WhitPhil

How to treat a woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

LMAO

[InfernoReaper]

Thats horrible, true, but horrible

Here's a story for you---

I was driving the other day and came up to an intersection with a 4-way stop. Not seeing anyone around I slow down and go through. Much to my luck a cop was watching and pulled me over. He comes over to my car and asks
"Why did you ran the stop sign?"
I replied "No one was coming so I just slowed down for it."
He asked me to "Please step out of the car."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating me with it.
I yelled "Stop! Stop!"
He said "Do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop!?"

*You can determine if its true or not*

[Doc Holliday]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling

at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and

you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed

as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


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Answer below*


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Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round.

[Hulk701]

That's about the 4th time that joke has been posted. Good joke tho', must be a lot of drunks on merry-go-rounds lately...heck its Summer!

[GoJoAGoGo]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by GoJoAGoGo

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

...your best one yet Gojo...

[GoJoAGoGo]

Originally Posted by Shamou

...your best one yet Gojo...

[InfernoReaper]

Originally Posted by GoJoAGoGo

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

x 2,000,000

[smooth]

Hope this hasn't been posted yet. It is a funny article someone sent me.

[rob821]

Bill, disillusioned with life, decides to join a silent order of monks. The abbot welcomes him to the order and informs him that he is permitted to speak only two words a year. Bill agrees and goes about his monastical duties.
After his first twelve months, the abbot calls him in. 'Now, my son, you may speak your allotted words.'
'Bed ... hard,' he says.
'All right,' says the abbot, a trifle sharply, 'Peace be upon thee.'
Another year goes by and again Bill is called in.
'And your next two words, my son?'
'Food ...awful.'
The abbot bites his lip. 'Thank you, my son, walk in the ways of the Lord.'
Twelve months pass. Bill is again summoned to see the abbot.
'What would you like to say this time?' he asks.
'Room ... cold.'
The abbot frowns and shows him out.
The following year, Bill is summoned for his next two words.
'And what would you like to say this time?' asks the abbot warily.
'I quit,' says Bill.
'Thank the Lord for that,' replies the abbot, 'you've done nothing but whinge and moan ever since you came here'

[franca]

BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THAT LITTLE OLD LADY (SMILE)ha ha ha Old Innocent Lady...



A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy."

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day, the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

[smooth]

Can't remember if these had been posted before, hopefully not

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are in a contest for who can survive in the desert. They each get to bring one item with them, to help in the survival.

The redhead brings a book of matches, the brunette brings a gallon jug, and the blonde brings a car door. They each are asked why they chose to bring what they did.

The redhead answers she brought the book of matches, so that she could start a fire to cook and keep warm during the night.

The brunette said she brought the jug, so she could get water if they should come up on an oasis.

They ask the blonde, why in the world would she bring a car door, to which she calmly answers, "So in case I get hot, I can let the window down"

-----------------------------------------

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all running from the police. They come up at a farm and decide to hide in the barn. When they get in the barn, they notice three burlap sacks laying on the ground, so they each get in one and lay down.

The police arrive, and are searching the barn, when they come up to the burlap sacks. They kick the first one, and it is the redhead. She says "Squeak, squeak", so the police deduce that it must be a sack of rats.

They go to the next sack and it's the brunette. They kick it, and the brunette says "Meow, meow", so they deduce it must be a sack of cats.

They get to the last sack and it's the blonde. They kick it, and the blonde says "Potato, potato"

[texastoy4her]

I got this from a friend and absolutely loved it.

Hope no one has heard/readit before.

THE PASTOR'S ***

THE PASTOR ENTERED HIS DONKEY IN A RACE AND IT WON. THE PASTOR WAS SO PLEASED WITH THE DONKEY THAT HE ENTERED IT IN ANOTHER RACE, AND IT WON AGAIN. THE LOCAL PAPER READ: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

THE BISHOP WAS SO UPSET WITH THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY THAT HE ORDERED THE PASTOR NOT TO ENTER THE DONKEY IN ANY MORE RACES. THE NEXT DAY, THE LOCAL PAPER HEADLINE READ: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

THIS WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE BISHOP, SO HE ORDERED THE PASTOR TO GET RID OF THE DONKEY. THE PASTOR DECIDED TO GIVE IT TO A NUN IN A NEARBY CONVENT. THE LOCAL PAPER, HEARING OF THE NEWS, POSTED THE FOLLOWING HEADLINE THE NEXT DAY: NUN HAS THE BEST *** IN TOWN.

THE BISHOP FAINTED. HE INFORMED THE NUN THAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO GET RID OF THE DONKEY, SO SHE SOLD IT TO A FARMER FOR $10.
THE NEXT DAY THE PAPER READ: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

THIS WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE BISHOP, SO HE ORDERED THE NUN TO BUY BACK THE DONKEY AND LEAD IT TO THE HIGH PLAINS WHERE IT COULD RUN WILD. THE NEXT DAY THE HEADLINES READ: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

ALAS;...... THE BISHOP WAS BURIED THE NEXT DAY.

MORAL OF THE STORY?? BEING CONCERNED ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION CAN BRING
YOU MUCH GRIEF AND MISERY, AND EVEN SHORTEN YOUR LIFE. SO, BE
YOURSELF AND ENJOY LIFE ... STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ***,
AND YOU'LL LIVE LONGER AND BE A LOT HAPPIER