[Davec]

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon (Oklahoma Highway Patrol)

responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, OK . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running.

The officer Pulled in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror,and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!'

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

Note: Dumas is pronounced Doo-mass, not the way you may be thinking after reading the above.

[franca]

THE OUTHOUSE!!!!!

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it ,because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day, he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble, because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

[~Candy~]

Subject: The Clintons

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first
row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something
to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks
back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was an unanimous request of
the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells
him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok!

If that is what the people want." Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her
collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you!"$#@&!&!&!&!"

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down,
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing,
smiling

And waving to the crowd. He leans over the agent and says, "How about
that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first
PITCH!"

[franca]

This is sooo funny.

Click on the link below - this is a riot!.

Here

[franca]

Three women are at the golf club, when suddenly the locker room door blew open, exposing a man with only a towel over his head. The first woman says, "Thank God, that's not my husband." The second woman says, "It's not my husband either." The third woman says, "That man isn't even a member of our club!"

[franca]

Q. What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A. Three different answers.

[twinofangelize56]

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg

so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief

Will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just

right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his

wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by

and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your

Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing

his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the

company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small

parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your

wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

[poochee]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
And 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[firestormer]

You know you want one

[Fyzbo]

Originally Posted by firestormer

You know you want one

I had a really good laugh, unfortunately it's a hoax.

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/computer.asp

[franca]

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office...

[twinofangelize56]

The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.

Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.

So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.

Alabama

* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.

* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.

* Driving barefoot is illegal.

Alaska

* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.

Arkansas

* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.

California

* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.

* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.

* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Florida

* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.

Georgia

* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.

* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.

Illinois

* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.

Kansas

* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.

Kentucky

* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.

Massachusetts

* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.

Michigan

* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.

Minnesota

* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.

* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.

* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.

Montana

* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nevada

* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

New Jersey

* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.

* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.

North Carolina

* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.

Ohio

* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.

* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.

Oklahoma

* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.

Oregon

* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.

* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.

* It is illegal to pump your own gas.

Pennsylvania

* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.

South Carolina

* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.

Tennessee

* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.

West Virginia

* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.

[twinofangelize56]

ADVICE TO WOMEN


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, big breasts or small, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally and perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around at night, only comes home to eat and sleep and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... then, my friend... buy a cat. Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

[Farmgirl22]

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

ADVICE TO WOMEN


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, big breasts or small, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally and perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around at night, only comes home to eat and sleep and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... then, my friend... buy a cat. Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

LOL! Dave is going to have a *fit* when he sees this!!

[franca]

Halloween Hangman








This is addictive!


http://www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/hangman.swf