[firestormer]

Originally Posted by Fyzbo

I had a really good laugh, unfortunately it's a hoax.

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/computer.asp

i know, but its probably not far of the truth,

[smooth]

Originally Posted by franca

Halloween Hangman

This is addictive!

http://www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/hangman.swf

Very addictive

[franca]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...



...

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[twinofangelize56]

MEN VS.WOMEN


Words Women Use:

"Fine" really means "This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments."

"Nothing" really means "This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

"Go ahead" with raised eyebrows really means "This is a dare; one that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine."

"Go ahead" with normal eyebrows really means "This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "raised eyebrow go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

"That's okay" really means "This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. It means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

"Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot" - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thank s A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have off ended her in some callous way, and will be followed by a loud sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the loud sigh, as she will only tell you "Nothing."



Phrases Men Use:

"Let's take your car" really means "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers, and completely out of gas."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen" really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"Can I help with dinner?" really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain" really means "I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard" really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear" really means "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is" really means "I remember the theme song to "F Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Uh huh, sure honey or yes, dear" really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

[xico]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???

[allheart55]

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids a gain ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids aga in ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again !!

[CrazyComputerMan]

Originally Posted by allheart55

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids a gain ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids aga in ...
ye-Pierce-Jewelry--3128.jpg[/IMG]

Aww, I dislike the piercing.

[franca]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."..

[Farmgirl22]

Originally Posted by franca

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."..

ROFLMAO!! I actually came terrifyingly close to spewing my chocolate milk on my laptop when I read that!

[twinofangelize56]

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they
say.
7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long
to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped.




Subject: Happy Halloween

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and
who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck
is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the ****
out
of a ghost."

Happy Halloween





One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.


Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't
get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." !



Never Too Old?

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely
25 year old. Since
her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding
she
and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the
entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her
85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well,
Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After
a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's
Wally. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised,
Anne
consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally
kisses
his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....Wally
is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But
as
Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?"

[franca]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, attractive, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
..

[twinofangelize56]

Mom's Dictionary

Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.
Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
"Because": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
Bed And Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Carpet: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
China: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Cook: 1)Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
Date: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "putout" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Food: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
Geniuses: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
Gum: Adhesive for the hair.
Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Hindsight:What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
"I Said So": Reason enough, according to Mom.
Jackpot: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
Jeans: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
Junk: Dad's stuff.
Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
Maybe: No.
Milk: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"Mommmmmmm!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
Panic: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Ocean: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Open: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
Overstuffed Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.
Purse: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Raincoat: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
School Play: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
Screaming: Home P.A. system.
Soap: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
Spit: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
Spoiled Rotten: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
Terrible Two's: Having both kids at home all summer.
Umpteenth: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
Underwear: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
"When Your Father Gets Home": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
Yard Sale: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

Zillion: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

[twinofangelize56]

Church Bulletin Bloopers




At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[franca]

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[firestormer]

A lawyer and a stockbroker where discussing what costumes they where going to ware at a Halloween party.

So what are you going as? Asked the lawyer

Well im not sure, i was thinking of maybe going as the grim reaper. How about you?

I think i might go as Dracula

Bit of a step down for you isn't it?