[Farmgirl22]

Catholic Dictionary:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest
of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little
more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find
colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found
in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and
late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd
to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a pew.

[Farmgirl22]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put
yours down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into
a room, people say Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The
first three women give her this subtle "Well"....? She
replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say.........
"OH MY GOD"

[Pistoff]

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into " Jackson County" language,.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN. )

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

[franca]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" ...

[twinofangelize56]

Halloween Definitions

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking
his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in
your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to
fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to
be done.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after
losing each week.

Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape
your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit
smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning
coffee.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE! WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE ONES!!!

[CrazyComputerMan]

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

Halloween Definitions

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking
his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in
your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to
fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to
be done.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after
losing each week.

Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape
your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit
smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning
coffee.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE! WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE ONES!!!

Thanks for jokes Twinkle, I like Jack the Ripper

[franca]

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.

[Greytabby]

Originally Posted by franca

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.

franca...you have a ton of these...you have practically cornered the market... and broken all records....soon you will have a smorgusborg....LOL...

[franca]

Originally Posted by Greytabby

franca...you have a ton of these...you have practically cornered the market... and broken all records....soon you will have a smorgusborg....LOL...

thank-you GT...

[Greytabby]

Originally Posted by franca

thank-you GT...

you are welcome franca... i hope you are well..
greytabby

[Davec]

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You're not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a real witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[franca]

Charlie walks into Smitty's and is frantically searching all over the bar.

"Hey," says Smitty, "what's going on?"

"I lost my wallet," says Charlie.

"So you're looking for your wallet."

"No" says Charlie. "My buddy Bill found my wallet."

"Great," says Smitty, "so what are you looking for now?"

"Bill."..

[twinofangelize56]

Halloween Rocky

This Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
"Rocky," in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I
gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several
minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight, too."

[EdtheRed]

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

Halloween Rocky

This Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
"Rocky," in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I
gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several
minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight, too."

Hahahaha Congratulations, you just won the internets ^^

I'm still waiting for "Rocky 448: Great great great grandson of Rocky Vs great great great grandson of Jaws!" (You all know it's gonna happen...)

And to stay OT:
A woman is employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the
midwest, she trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in
jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company..."

[LANMaster]

New thread created here.