[InfernoReaper]

OMG one of the best ive seen!

[GoJoAGoGo]

.

[MorrisAO]

Idle Thoughts

1. I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

2. I had amnesia once -- or twice.

3. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

4. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

5. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

6. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle?

7. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

8. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

9. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

10. Two can live as cheaply as one -- for half as long.

11. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

12. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

13. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

14. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

15. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

16. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmmm?

17. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

19. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

20. How can there be self-help "groups"?

21. Is there another word for synonym?

22. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

23. The speed of time is one-second per second.

24. Is it possible to be totally partial?

25. What's another word for thesaurus?

26. Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

27. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

28. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

29. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

30. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[franca]

Originally Posted by ashes@work

sorry for the caps and the > I wasnt going in and retyping it.. but it was worth the read



A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
> > FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
> >
> > HONEY,
> > COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
> > IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
> >
> > HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
> > FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
> > DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
> > GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> > I DON'T THINK SO.
> >
> > FINE,
> >
> > THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
> > WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> > IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
> >
> > TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
> > FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> > DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
> > WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> > I DON'T THINK SO
> >
> > FINE, SHE SAYS
> > THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
> > TO THE FRONT DOOR?
> > THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
> >
> > I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
> > WANT TO FIX STEPS.
> > HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
> > ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> > I DON'T THINK SO.
> > I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
> > I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
> >
> > SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
> > HOURS....................................
> >
> > HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
> > HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
> > TO GO HOME
> >
> > AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
> > THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
> >
> > AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
> > HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
> >
> > AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
> > THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
> >
> > HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
> > SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
> > OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
> >
> > JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
> > WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
> >
> > HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
> > ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
> > GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
> >
> > HE SAID,
> > SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Good one ash.......

[franca]

Q: What do you call a polar bear in a desert?

A: Lost!

[ashes@work]

>One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our
>female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
>
>"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
>
>I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I
>found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her
>3.5" floppy drive.
>
>While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out
>the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying
>awful hard to keep a straight face.
>
>Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the
>drive.
>
>"Oh, you mean the condom!"
>
>"Condom???"
>
>"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a
>condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
>
>By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to
>keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5"
>plastic sleeve. I delicately explaine d to her that a practical joke
>had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a
>dead-serious
>voice:
>
>"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it
>either?"

[ashes@work]

>A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....
>
>
>I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
>Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
>dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
>although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
>time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
>ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
>I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
>that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
>eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
>complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
>enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
>Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
>hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
>a car hit me.
>
>I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[onsite]

Dell isn't so bad. Without them we would have nobody to make fun of.

lol so true so true. It is sort of like, if you can't laugh at yourself, find someone to make fun of.

[Couriant]

Not a joke of sorts but this is a music video of Indiana University's mens acappella group, Straight No Chaser singing a goofy version of 12 Days of Christmas. The group is awesome plus they made a 4hr DVD of their singing (cost $10 )

[WhitPhil]

Originally Posted by ashes@work

sorry again from an email and im not gonna take > out...

A toy just for you. Will do the cleanup in 2 seconds. No fuss, no muss.

[GoJoAGoGo]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez
said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aids told reporters they
could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

[Shamou]

...good one Gojo...

[Shamou]

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

[JEBWrench]

Some of those aren't totally true. Cable television still isn't available everywhere in North America.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by JEBWrench

Some of those aren't totally true. Cable television still isn't available everywhere in North America.

...good to hear from the peons...