[WhitPhil]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.

[SouthParkXP101]

forget water here is the way to go

[MorrisAO]

Originally Posted by southparkxp101

forget water here is the way to go

I can live with that!

[Shamou]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a
> very old Jewish man who had been going to the
> Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
> very long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall to
> check it out, and..........there he was. She
> watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
> turned to leave, she approached him for an
> interview."I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how
> long have you been coming to the Wall and
> praying?""For about 60 years"."60 years! That's
> amazing!"I pray for peace between the Christians,
> Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to
> stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
> safety and friendship.""Sir, how do you feel after
> doing this for 60 years?""Like I'm talking to a
> ******* wall."

[Couriant]

I don't know if many of you seen this but it's very creative:

www.storewars.com

[SouthParkXP101]

well i dont if its you or IE 7 but it sasy it cannot open link because im not online .????

i Hate beta updates

[franca]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

[MorrisAO]

Originally Posted by Tidus4Yuna

I don't know if many of you seen this but it's very creative:

www.storewars.com

Seems to be a dead link at present - I got a 'server not found'

[MorrisAO]

My house cat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be "de-furred".

[WhitPhil]

Originally Posted by Tidus4Yuna

I don't know if many of you seen this but it's very creative:

www.storewars.com

www.storewars.org ???

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by WhitPhil

www.storewars.org ???

works OK now....

[MorrisAO]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Couriant]

My bad. I did that too fast. It is www.storewars.org

Why does mermaid wear seashells?

Because a B-Shells is too small and a D-Shells is too big

[poochee]

August 24, 2006
Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson to Build Movie Studio on the Moon

Move Reflects Dwindling Career Options on Earth, Insiders Say

Embattled actors Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson served notice to the entertainment industry that they intend to keep marching to the beat of a different drum by announcing today that they will build the first movie studio on the moon.

Industry insiders speculated that the actors' decision to build the first lunar movie studio was motivated in part by their dwindling career options on the planet Earth.

"Tom Cruise just got dropped by Paramount for being too crazy, which in the movie business is really saying something," said Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene. "And Mel Gibson can't get arrested, except on the Pacific Coast Highway."

But in a press conference at Cape Canaveral today, the two actors denied that the state of their earthly careers had caused them to shift their attention moonward, with Mr. Gibson telling reporters, "The great thing about the moon is that it isn't controlled by one specific group of people, if you know what I mean."

When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: "Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of crap!"

According to Mr. Schlantz, Mr. Cruise's departure for the moon could result in the first public appearance of his daughter, Suri Cruise.

"Like Paramount, Suri has been trying to put some distance between herself and Tom," he said. "If he leaves the planet, she'll come out of hiding."

Elsewhere, obesity increases one's chances of premature death, according to a study published today in "Duh" magazine.

www.borowitzreport.com

[smooth]

If Tom Petty has some loose change in his pocket, is it Petty Cash?