[lexmarks567]

FW: Spanish Lesson Spanish Lesson A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

[lexmarks567]

The following is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawers Award Contest...

A Charolotte, NC lawer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." the insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason -- that the man had comsumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insursnce company that the clain was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lenthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART:

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

[lexmarks567]

A city boy named Kenny moved to the country. There
he
bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "I''m
sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money
back."

The farmer said, "Can''t do that. I went and spent
it
already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead
donkey?"

Kenny: "I''m going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "Who would buy a raffle ticket for a dead
donkey!"

Kenny: "I just won''t tell anybody he''s dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny again
and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "The raffle was a success. I sold 500
tickets at
two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn''t anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his
two dollars
back."

When Kenny grew up, he became the chairman of
Enron.

[lexmarks567]

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,

customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed
her for February & March for their annual service
charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees & interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere
around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and
the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division
or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"


Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)

After they get the fax ...

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

What fun it is dealing with "customer service"

[lexmarks567]

7 DEGREES OF BLOND....

FIRST DEGREE: A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*:-

THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replied, "Shut up .. you're next!"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them" A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*:-

SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

`! ?*:- ,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[lexmarks567]

CAN YOU READ THIS

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny ftfiy prencet of plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

[lexmarks567]

*A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...



BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






**Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping










**clappity-BUMP






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









**Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!*









*Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...*



















*and,*

















*(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)
















The coffin stops!

/( I thought it was funny )/*

[RSM123]

lexmarks,

The anecdote you cited above, about Citibank did actually happen to a friend of mine from Birnburg in Germany back in 1992. They were chasing him for money owed by his mother who had died some months before. There were no phone calls in his case, but they finally left him alone when he replied with her plot number, and a polaroid of her headstone.

[lexmarks567]

Games for the elderly

1. Sag, You're it.


2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.


3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.


4. Kick the bucket.


5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.


6. Doc Doc Goose.


7. Simon says something incoherent.


8. Hide and go pee.


9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.


10. Musical recliners.

[lexmarks567]

So this little old lady is driving down the wooded road, when a bunny rabbit jumps out and tries to cross - and BLAM - she nails him! She pulls over to the side of the road and runs back to see if it's okay, but he is D-E-A-D! Overcome with guilt and sadness (and probably fear that she will soon lose her license) she starts to sob.

Pretty soon, she sees a pick-up truck coming and she runs into the middle of the road to flag the driver down. This good ole' boy gets out of the truck and asks, "What's wrong, lady....can I help you?" The distraught old lady says, "Oh, my goodness, I'm so glad you stopped, you've just got to help me -- I have hurt this poor dear bunny rabbit. I have never, ever, killed anything in my life. Please, sir, do something! You've got to do something!"

So the driver goes over to the rabbit and determines that it really is a goner, but feels like he's got to do something to placate this little-bit crazy lady, so he goes to the back of his pick-up and finds this old aerosol can -- he takes it over to the lady and says he doesn't know if it'll help, but he sprays it all over the roadkill.

They stand there a minute, the lady still crying, and suddenly, unbeliveably, the rabbit begins to stir. He wiggles and wiggles and finally peels himself off the roadway!

And then... he hops a few feet down the road, turns around and waves....and he hops a few feet farther, turns around and waves -- all the way down the road and into the sunset. Well, the old lady is beside herself with joy, and the good ole' boy is just plain stunned....."What was in that can?", asks the old lady. "I dunno....let me see....ummm....it says:





scroll for it....


































For Damaged Hair, With Permanent Wave"



waa-waa-waa!

[lexmarks567]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road??

To get the New York Times!!!

I don't get it!?!

Neither do I, I get the Daily News!!!

[bassetman]

Originally Posted by bill.aam

Finally, someone understands!! :-)



Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman

1. Whine

2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,

start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

You've met my ex-wife have you?

[Couriant]

It might help if you space out your postings... makes it easier to want to read them

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Tidus4Yuna

It might help if you space out your postings... makes it easier to want to read them

...hey... it was only 18 posts... ..guess we should be grateful...

[Couriant]

lol, just space them out there;s no need to post all the emails you get... most of them aren't that good or have already seen