[johnnyburst79]

Why won't she leave? Physical abuse above all other reasons warrants involvement from the law and is the easiest deciding factor for divorce. I'd like to understand why so I can try and help the woman I know. I don't think he physically abuses her, but I don't know for certain.

[valley]

Originally Posted by johnnyburst79

Why won't she leave? Physical abuse above all other reasons warrants involvement from the law and is the easiest deciding factor for divorce. I'd like to understand why so I can try and help the woman I know. I don't think he physically abuses her, but I don't know for certain.

I dont know why she wont leave. I think she has a lot of reasons to justify staying. Her husband is an alcoholic. I think she is afraid that he will come after her if she leaves. I also think that he has abused her for so many years that she believes she is nothing without him. Her life is predictable and I guess she feels secure in it. Leaving presents the unknown and I think thats scary to her. She also says she doesnt want to uproot their teen boys. And she just bought the house last year and she has never owned a home before. She knows that he wont leave and she doesnt want to leave it for him either. He wont pay the mortgage so she would be stuck paying for it while he lives there and she lives somewhere else.

Its screwed up. To me...none of that should matter, not when you are living like that. If I were her, i'd walk away from it all and start fresh, even with the risk of him coming after me. We talked a few times about her getting out and getting restraining order against him. But she says that it wouldnt stop him. My mom even offered to let her live for free in mom's rental house but she turned it down because its out of town and she didnt want to have to drive so far to get to work.

She has lots of reasons to stay but not enough reasons to leave. She has been worn down psychologically and emotionally for too many years now. I kinda stopped trying to get her to take my advice. She doesnt want it and gives me the cold shoulder when I confront her about it. She wont even admit that he hits her. I found that out from my nephew, who says its been a regular thing for years now.

A person has to want to make a change. She's not ready to change.

Does your friend talk about wanting to leave or is she stuck on the idea of trying to "fix him" somehow? I hope you will be careful. I dont know what help you can give her unless she is looking for a sympathetic ear. I have found that with my sister that all I can do is just listen when she needs to vent. Its not very fair...its painful to see her going through so much but when you try to give too much unwanted advice, it can wind up going against you. But its not about me....so if venting is all she wants to do then I just gotta suck it up and listen, no matter how angry I feel with her husband. (and her!)

[johnnyburst79]

I'm sure she is not stuck trying to fix him. It took her awhile to open up to me, but not even her family knows what she is going through. I'd like to help her, of course, even if all I can do is outline steps to take and make the situation not seem hopeless.

[valley]

I would try to find out if he is "all talk" or if he has pushed her around physically too. I dont know how long they have been together but if she's looking to get away because of abuse then the sooner the better before it does a number on her mind.

How about looking into some local resources that counsel women in abusive situations? Maybe find her some pamphlets or books that deal with what she is going through. It might help her to know that she is not alone and that other women have gone through the same thing and have been able to start over in a new and better life.

Thank you for helping her out....she is lucky to have a friend like you.

[johnnyburst79]

A good woman should be cherished, not controlled. I care about other people, irregardless of my friend or not. A person needing help can come to me and I will assist them.

They have been together almost a decade. And yes, the sooner, the better.

I asked the question and am awaiting a response. I'd like to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

[valley]

I wish you all the best with it. I hope she can find happiness. Life's too short for that kind of trouble. Who knows..maybe leaving will be the wake up call he needs and he will get himself some help.

[johnnyburst79]

Originally Posted by valley

I wish you all the best with it. I hope she can find happiness. Life's too short for that kind of trouble. Who knows..maybe leaving will be the wake up call he needs and he will get himself some help.

Thank you. And I hope your sister see's the light soon enough. that is a horrible situation.

[valley]

Thanks. I hope so too.

[Shadow Bea]

Originally Posted by johnnyburst79

I'm sure she is not stuck trying to fix him. It took her awhile to open up to me, but not even her family knows what she is going through. I'd like to help her, of course, even if all I can do is outline steps to take and make the situation not seem hopeless.

Johnny, There is an excellent book out on the subject that you can browse through
Click here: The Verbally Abusive Relationship ... - Google Book Search

that does exactly what you are talking about it outlines the steps to take.

You can get it used on Amazon for about 4 bucks
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listi...876588-3726432

I recommend it highly..


.

[eggplant43]

There is another book by Dr. Evans that I recommend, it is:Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery (Paperback)
by Patricia Evans

It is all letters written by people who read the first book, and their reactions to the book. It is far less "technical", so therefore a little easier to digest. So powerful, it literally allowed me to change my life.

Having perspective, understanding, and knowing that you are not alone is very empowering, indeed.

[Shadow Bea]

Something I read recently..

Your Thoughts Brought You Here by Vic Johnson (excerpted from Day by Day with James Allen)
"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." - Above Life's Turmoil

This principle was not easy for me to accept and I fought it for a long time. As miserable as my life was at the time I learned this concept, I was certain that there was no way that it was due to the thoughts that I had held. There were too many other reasons why things had gone bad: my ex-spouse, the economy, a client who had wronged me, and on and on and on. Since I wasn't responsible for my "bad luck," then certainly my thoughts had nothing to do with it.

But I was wrong. Like the biblical Job who said, "the thing I feared most has come upon me," I, too, had thought myself to the situation I was in.

Dr. Walter Doyle Staples, writing in Think Like a Winner! says, "I credit one simple concept with getting me started on my journey into self-discovery. After a great deal of study and contemplation, I came to the conclusion that people have in their lives today exactly what they keep telling their mind they want."

Like Dr. Staples, it was a moment of great illumination for me! The logical side of me said, "if you and you alone can think yourself into such a mess, then surely you and you alone can think yourself out of it."

And that I did. It wasn't overnight and it wasn't easy, but it was a sure thing! And by accepting all of the responsibility for where I was, and all of the responsibility for where I was going, I experienced a tremendous joy and freedom. I knew in my knower that if I got myself into the predicament, I could get myself out.

Of course, I had some great inspiration along the way. And I will always remember Les Brown's three steps to take during "hard time:"

1. Have Faith (didn't Paul say, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for...")
2. Remind yourself: "No matter how hard it is or how hard it gets, I'm going to make it!"
3. Have patience and engage in consistent action.

And that's worth thinking about.


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[johnnyburst79]

Each individual has the ability to shape their reality.

On a personal note, I'm growing out my beard. It's been about 2 weeks now and in 4 more weeks I'll begin to trim it and ensure it looks clean and presentable, not some straggly mess.

[Shadow Bea]

Originally Posted by johnnyburst79

Each individual has the ability to shape their reality.

On a personal note, I'm growing out my beard. It's been about 2 weeks now and in 4 more weeks I'll begin to trim it and ensure it looks clean and presentable, not some straggly mess.

Good luck my only personal experience with that kind of thing is plucking the one stubborn hair under my chin so any comments should be left to the experts


.

[Wiskycoo]

LMAO! Bea!

[Shadow Bea]

Originally Posted by Wiskycoo

LMAO! Bea!

Hi Girlie *hugs*