[twinofangelize56]

Just stopping in to say 'hi'.

Squirt is doing much better since he went to the Vet's. That new shot must have worked this time. He's healing nicely and his hair is already growing in!!!!! If it is just allergies.... I think with the weather turning cooler now.... he should be just fine. We'll probably have to go through this same thing next Fall!

Today... I went to the ophthalmologist for my yearly eye exam. (Diabetic and all that!) He does the dilated type exam.... talk about sensitive to light already! I had to really cover my eyes even with my sunglasses on all the way home! (No... I wasn't driving... this time!!!!)

Anywho... he said things are okay. Very little change since last year. No sign of Diabetic Retinopathy. He did tell me that I should protect my right eye no matter what! If something should happen to it... I'd be in trouble. You see... my left eye isn't so good anymore! 20/70!!!! It was always the less strong of them both! I close my right eye just to see what I can see.... and man! Forget reading... forget distances... forget driving... well... you get the idea. So... my right eye is always on the alert!

[eggplant43]

Val, I once came up with an analogy about ones comfort zone in a dysfunctional relationship.

You have a beautiful wardrobe, people compliment you on it regularly, but you never really feel comfortable until you go home and put on your sweat suit that you've been wearing for the last 15 years. It's threadbare, and out of style, but you're used to it.

Keeping it a secret is a big part of the pathology of dysfunctionality. The person we lie to the most is ourself. If I don't say anything, then maybe it isn't real, or at least, it isn't that bad. He says he's sorry, and won't do it again, I know he loves me, blah,blah,blah.

[Gabriel]

Trying to figure out which way to go is the hardest. Especially when, now, I am doing it for me....my interests, direction and future.
I honestly thought it would be simple, but there are so many choices and subtle directions I can take.
Someone suggested I write or map out a plan.
I wouldn't even know how to do that. For a person who is taken by the wind, that seems an impossible task.
I have gotten to where I make a monthly task sheet, and get all those things done....but with interests and directive for studies, it seems more difficult.

[Shadow Bea]

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2&cn=2

Here is some things from the above site which also offers local (according to zip code) links for organizations that are set up to help in situations such as abuse..

Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

The second question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing Catholic people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their church. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.

A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.

Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don't deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I've had in my life.”

Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.

Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.

The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases). This truth is frequently lost on both the abuser and the victim, however.

[Shadow Bea]

Originally Posted by Gabriel

Trying to figure out which way to go is the hardest. Especially when, now, I am doing it for me....my interests, direction and future.
I honestly thought it would be simple, but there are so many choices and subtle directions I can take.
Someone suggested I write or map out a plan.
I wouldn't even know how to do that. For a person who is taken by the wind, that seems an impossible task.
I have gotten to where I make a monthly task sheet, and get all those things done....but with interests and directive for studies, it seems more difficult.

I know what you are saying Gabriel.. (been there) Maybe if you looked at it one step at a time ..just accomplish that one step.. then the next one.. it would be easier to get to the goal .. rather than looking at it as a whole .. which can seem like an overwhelming mountain..

Originally Posted by Steppinstone

On her last day of work I am approached by another co worker, who told me that another co worker was in tears, being a concerned team leader I of course ask what was going on only to be told that the friend mentioned above, told crying co-worker to watch her back as I ( meaning me) always run to the boss and tell on people for any petty thing that goes down.. Later former co worker calls me and being friends I flat out asked her about it and she of course denied it and I don't believe her, not one bit.. She has done this kinda of garbage before and acts innocent everytime.. I am hurt, not really by the actions of what she did but by the fact that I had over looked this quality in a person and fell victim to her game. That I had befriended someone and it bit me hard in the back side. Lesson learned!!
Chair

Here is a quote from something called The Paradoxical Commandments that was written by Kent M. Keith in 1968 that is rather apt

"The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.Think big anyway."
Try not to let yourself be diminished by small minded people *HUGS*

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

Just stopping in to say 'hi'.

Squirt is doing much better since he went to the Vet's. That new shot must have worked this time. He's healing nicely and his hair is already growing in!!!!! If it is just allergies.... I think with the weather turning cooler now.... he should be just fine. We'll probably have to go through this same thing next Fall!

Today... I went to the ophthalmologist for my yearly eye exam. (Diabetic and all that!) He does the dilated type exam.... talk about sensitive to light already! I had to really cover my eyes even with my sunglasses on all the way home! (No... I wasn't driving... this time!!!!)

Anywho... he said things are okay. Very little change since last year. No sign of Diabetic Retinopathy. He did tell me that I should protect my right eye no matter what! If something should happen to it... I'd be in trouble. You see... my left eye isn't so good anymore! 20/70!!!! It was always the less strong of them both! I close my right eye just to see what I can see.... and man! Forget reading... forget distances... forget driving... well... you get the idea. So... my right eye is always on the alert!

I'm so glad Squirt is feeling better
And I'm glad that there is No sign of Diabetic Retinopathy!


*Hugs to allll!! *

[eggplant43]

Powerful info Bea, and thanks.

Gabriel, have you ever heard of an Abe Lincoln?

You get a blank piece of paper, and at the top you put pro, and con, you then draw a line down the center of the paper, and start adding your thoughts to each respective side. This is a cognitive exercise that engages the left, rational side of the brain.

[idar]

I never knew that was called an Abe Lincoln. Have been doing that to help make decisions for years.

[ekim68]

Hey Gabriel, grab a spiral notebook and start writing...At least you will keep it in one place..
Some of my best stuff ended up on those little obnoxious stickies that got lost..

[Gabriel]

Thanks all..Yes Bea, I'm trying to see a bigger picture than possible.
I probably need to pause and do the tons of things right in front of me

I will try the Abe Lincoln thing and get the two sides together on paper rather than in my head that seems like a sieve at the moment

[Gabriel]

Originally Posted by ekim68

Hey Gabriel, grab a spiral notebook and start writing...At least you will keep it in one place..
Some of my best stuff ended up on those little obnoxious stickies that got lost..

I know....I'm finding stickies from months ago

[eggplant43]

I'd rather not discuss my stickies

[Shadow Bea]

Originally Posted by eggplant43

I'd rather not discuss my stickies

[Gabriel]

Originally Posted by eggplant43

I'd rather not discuss my stickies

I like reading your blog

[eggplant43]

Well thank you very much. I've made a list of things I want to write about, and it covers about 50 items so far, and this does not include the recipes I'll be sharing, so there's lot's more coming. It makes me feel good to know I have an audience out there, so thank you very much

[twinofangelize56]

Originally Posted by eggplant43

Well thank you very much. I've made a list of things I want to write about, and it covers about 50 items so far, and this does not include the recipes I'll be sharing, so there's lot's more coming. It makes me feel good to know I have an audience out there, so thank you very much

Hi, Bruce ~

You already know that I'm a big fan of yours! Still waiting for the 'what's for dinner' and 'what time should I be there'?