[franca]

Why is tennis a noisy game? Each player raises a racket.

[franca]

A MAN walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

[franca]

WHAT do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

[RootbeaR]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy ******* rrrun!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[franca]

WHY did the tennis star go into space? He was a racket scientist.

[Davec]

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month -- until you loathe it." When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

[Davec]

Wanting to build on some property he owns, my father paid a visit to the county planning office. "Okay, here is a list of trees you may not cut down. And here are the state of Florida strictures about wetlands development," the woman said, and then launched into a long monologue.

"I was wondering if I could drive my ATV on it?" Dad asked tentatively.

"Hey, it's your land," she replied. "You can do whatever

[Davec]

Economics

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to his lawyer.

The lawyer takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is currently doing business .

[franca]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband
replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And ! now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

[franca]

What makes music on your head?

A head band.

[franca]

WHAT do you call a fish with no eyes? .......Fsh.

[Farmgirl22]

I'm not sure if it's hilarious or sad, but here ya go. *headdesk*

Rainbow FAIL

[Davec]

Army Staffing

The Army had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The IG Office performed an inspection and gave the following write-up: "Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."

So, the Army created positions for four MPs to guard the facility night and day.

The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up: "Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."

So, the Army created a planning section, and staffed it with two NCOs, one to write the instructions, and one to do time-studies.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."

The Army responded by creating a Total Quality Management section and staffed it with two NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."

So, the Army created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC, a senior NCO as NCOIC, and two enlisted administrative specialists.

The IG re-inspected, and concluded: "This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."

So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions.

[Davec]

A Medal for Horatius A Medal for Horatius
The True Story
(By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)

Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor

TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.
JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX

TO: G-III

For comment.

G.C.
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC

TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.

J.D.
IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX

TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."

J.H.
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI

TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.

E.J.
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

P.B.
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI

TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.

L.J.
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI

TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.

E.J.
VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI

TO: JAG

>For opinion.

G.C.
IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

T.J.
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI

TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.

E.T.
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.

L.T.

Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII

SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War

TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

[franca]

Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is
all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just
another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you
the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop
and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking
to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood
all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You
can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is 8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only
have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom
of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.