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New Joke / Humor thread #6

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03-Nov-2007, 08:09 AM #16
"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
The shrink says... "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."
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03-Nov-2007, 09:25 AM #17
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.


The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen to her if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and cooked them for herself.
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03-Nov-2007, 04:16 PM #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by LANMaster
CCM ... this is meant in all humor. Please don't take offense ....


Why do farts smell?










So deaf people can enjoy them too!
This jokes still heads myself in!

I think i'll revenge you one more time...

Why do we people pee?

So hearing people can enjoy hearing peeing!
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04-Nov-2007, 10:37 AM #19
A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."........
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04-Nov-2007, 10:57 AM #20
Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living. At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.
So, in this story, the farmer makes hay, while the son shines...
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05-Nov-2007, 09:48 AM #21
My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience"... he jotted down "Lifeguard". Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I could not swim," my cousin replied.

He got the job.
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05-Nov-2007, 09:49 AM #22
Sal, a pilot for a major airline, carries his running clothes in a backpack, freeing his hands for his luggage. On one trip, he told me, he noticed passers-by grinning at him in the terminal. Sal smiled back. Maybe some of them were on my last flight, he thought.

His ego was brimming until he got to the cockpit and stowed his bags. That's when he saw the "Parachute" sign his co-workers had stuck to his backpack.
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05-Nov-2007, 09:50 AM #23
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
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05-Nov-2007, 09:51 AM #24
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
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05-Nov-2007, 10:43 AM #25
Good ones ang.......



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05-Nov-2007, 10:43 AM #26
What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?
Fill me in when you get back
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05-Nov-2007, 11:00 AM #27
Those Born 1930-1979



TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable (only 3 or 4 channels), no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


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05-Nov-2007, 04:15 PM #28
a little boy told his mother. when i was on the bus dad told me to give my seat up to a lady. you did right. but mom i was on daddy's lap
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06-Nov-2007, 02:47 AM #29
New bedroom accessory to bring peace of mind to those dreading a noise downstairs in the night :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsV50T5uEyw

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06-Nov-2007, 09:44 AM #30
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"
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