[firestormer]

Not a joke but quite funny, (don't you love the UK, i do)

The UK's top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

# 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)

# 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down (7%)

# 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)

# 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned(5%)

# 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)

# 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4%)

# 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)

# 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)

# 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour

# 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)



The top 10 bizarre foreign laws as voted by those polled:

# 1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk (9%)

# 2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation (8%)

# 3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror (7%)

# 4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm (6%)

# 5. It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama (6%)

# 6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed (6%)

# 7. Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth (6%)

# 8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits (5%)

# 9. There is no age of consent in Japan (5%)

# 10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon (4%)

[Farmgirl22]

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

[Farmgirl22]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Farmgirl22]

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." -David Letterman

[Farmgirl22]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

[Farmgirl22]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

[hogndog]

Its that cough syrup, ack!!

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

Subject: Halloween Story......


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him.


BUMP...

BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him


FASTER...

FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.





Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can
find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,




(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)




scroll down....





















The coffin stops!

[xico]

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...




May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[Farmgirl22]

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)





FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.





SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"




EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.





NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her
kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give
the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.
The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... "
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid

[hogndog]

I like this one.

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

[twinofangelize56]

Men are Happier People


Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Graying hair adds attraction.

Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, all of the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[hogndog]

How about an evening surfing the Web this this galoot?

[Farmgirl22]

Yep, looks like a fitness fanatic to me! *insert pukey smiley here*


What is she looking for men on the internet for anyway? She's got a ring on her left hand...she's probably married or engaged!!

[LANMaster]

Good eye there Farmies!

What's the difference between a Catholic Nun and a harlot in the tub?




One has a soul full of hope.

[CrazyComputerMan]

That's a good joke... Clean one... Not stupid jokes...