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franca's Avatar
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09-Apr-2012, 05:48 PM #916
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
poochee's Avatar
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09-Apr-2012, 07:37 PM #917
s
franca's Avatar
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10-Apr-2012, 09:37 AM #918
“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
“Darling, of course I do.”
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10-Apr-2012, 01:29 PM #919
franca's Avatar
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11-Apr-2012, 09:37 AM #920
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
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11-Apr-2012, 10:50 PM #921
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franca's Avatar
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12-Apr-2012, 09:59 AM #922
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy answers, "75 cents."
franca's Avatar
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12-Apr-2012, 01:23 PM #923
Claude the Hypnotist....

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“****!" said the hypnotist..
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre Claude was never invited back.
franca's Avatar
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12-Apr-2012, 02:07 PM #924
The Simple Wisdom of Scottish Doctors










A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.


The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?


The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."


The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."


Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"


The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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12-Apr-2012, 02:20 PM #925
Smart doctor.
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12-Apr-2012, 10:24 PM #926
Quote:
Originally Posted by franca View Post
The Simple Wisdom of Scottish Doctors.
s
franca's Avatar
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13-Apr-2012, 09:10 AM #927
A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."
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13-Apr-2012, 10:34 PM #928
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15-Apr-2012, 12:41 PM #929
Retirement Dinner


A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local attorney and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the attorney arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the attorney. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'


Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
franca's Avatar
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15-Apr-2012, 05:59 PM #930
IDA AND THE FROG!!!!
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.





He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!




So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.




IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince









THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

**

*

*

SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!



She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK!!!!!
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