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HOBOcs's Avatar
HOBOcs   (Jim) HOBOcs is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Markham ON Canada
26-Apr-2012, 05:54 PM #961
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"computer completely f***ed now."
poochee's Avatar
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Member with 108,415 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: California
Experience: Intermediate
26-Apr-2012, 08:42 PM #962
Lots of laughs.
franca's Avatar
Member with 35,238 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
27-Apr-2012, 09:43 AM #963
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?
poochee's Avatar
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27-Apr-2012, 03:08 PM #964
Quote:
Originally Posted by franca View Post
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?
gyrgrls's Avatar
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Modesto, California
Experience: Hendrix
28-Apr-2012, 08:51 PM #965
A midget enters a bank, walks up to the teller, whips out a pistol,
and says: "I hate to do this, but I'm a little short".
poochee's Avatar
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28-Apr-2012, 11:07 PM #966
Quote:
Originally Posted by gyrgrls View Post
A midget enters a bank, walks up to the teller, whips out a pistol,
and says: "I hate to do this, but I'm a little short".
franca's Avatar
Member with 35,238 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
29-Apr-2012, 09:22 PM #967
Labor pains

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. When they got there, the doctor said, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives them to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try the new machine. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50%. The husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing." The doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", but the husband replied "I am ready." The doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband still didn’t fell a thing! They went home happy with a pain free labor! When they got home they were shocked to find the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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29-Apr-2012, 10:27 PM #968
s
franca's Avatar
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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30-Apr-2012, 09:35 AM #969
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
poochee's Avatar
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30-Apr-2012, 07:54 PM #970
Quote:
Originally Posted by franca View Post
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
franca's Avatar
Member with 35,238 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
01-May-2012, 09:53 AM #971
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
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01-May-2012, 01:32 PM #972
s
franca's Avatar
Member with 35,238 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
02-May-2012, 09:58 AM #973
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
poochee's Avatar
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02-May-2012, 10:37 PM #974
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franca's Avatar
Member with 35,238 posts.
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
03-May-2012, 09:42 AM #975
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
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