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Joke of The Day!


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Paquadez's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 09:51 AM #1
Cool Joke of The Day!
To show I am not just a Doom and Gloom economic analyst, about time we had some regular humour!

Tim (Valis) will appreciate this one.

TEN BEST CADDIE REMARKS:

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
valis's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 10:08 AM #2
indeed. I seem to have incurred most of those at one point in time or another......

this is one of my favorite 'universal rules of golf'.........:

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
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"Ask Bill why the string in function 9 is terminated by a dollar sign. Ask him, because he can't answer. Only I know that". - Gary Kildall
Paquadez's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 10:26 AM #3


I also loved Gary Player's received advice, from his dour Scots caddie at St. Andrews, playing for the first time, when he was a young tour player.

Looking at a green and trying to read his putt he asked the caddie's advice on how to address this shot.

"Keep it low, Sir; keep it low!"

The other one I love, is about the flash Texan oilman, who jets into the nearest airport in his swish exec jet and demands to play the Old Course and hire the very best caddie.

After a coupla holes, they walk up to a Par 4: "How der y'all see this shot, Caddie?" drawls the oilman.

"Play a spoon Sairh!" says the caddie (Three Wood).

"What? says the oilman,"On this little bittie ol' hole? In Texas that would be a little ol' par two!"

The oilman takes his stance, addresses the ball and tops it: it rolls about 20 yards from the Tee.

As they walk up to the ball, the caddie says nothing until they stop at the ball, hands the man his putter and says "Och! now this is one wee puitt I canna wait to see!"

valis's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 10:41 AM #4
nice.........

"When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls."

franca's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 02:07 PM #5
To Little Ole Lady---

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.



Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?



Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.



Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?



Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.



Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?



Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?



Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.



Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?



Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!



Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just lay down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'



Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?



Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little *******.
franca's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 02:41 PM #6
The Polite Way to Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...
Paquadez's Avatar
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15-Feb-2011, 03:12 PM #7
A primary teacher wanted to provide understanding of aphorism to her class.

So, she asked the kids to provide examples of good ideas they had learned from Mom, Dad, Gramps, Granma and their Aunts and Uncles.

"Delia, Dear: What would you tell us?"

Little Delia, a farmer;s daughter said: "One day Dad and Mom said we'd go to market and I took some eggs, all together in a basket and the truck went over a big bump and half of the eggs were broken!"

"And my Dad said "There you see! Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very well done, Darling!" said the teacher.

"And now you, Sarah."

Sarah who was also a farmer's daughter said, "I raise chickens as part of my chores; and I told my Pop I would have 25 this year, take them to market and be able to buy the doll I wanted!"

"But the eggs only gave me 10: and my old Gramps said to me, "Don't count yer chickens before they are hatched!"

"Excellent, Dear!" said the teacher.

And then, rather tongue in cheek she pointed at little Buster; "So Buster, have you any good ideas from your family for the class?"

Buster thought for a bit and said.

"Well, Ma'am My Dad's sister, Auntie Sharon was the first woman to join Delta Force. When she was flying on a mission over Iraq, her plane was hit by a rocket and she decided her time was up, grabbed a bottle of whiskey, a parachute, an M16 and a box of bullets. She drank the whole bottle on the way down!"

"As she landed she was surrounded by ragheads! She shot as many as possible, but they still rushed towards her!"

"Those that were left, she killed with the bottle!"

"How very violent and unpleasant, Buster: but what is the good saying about this?"

"Don't y'all mess with Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking, Ma'am!"

buffoon's Avatar
Community Moderator with 19,155 posts.
 
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Location: Spain
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15-Feb-2011, 06:29 PM #8
The houswife gets a call from the med lab

"Mrs. Burgess, when your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to us last week, unfortunately a biopsy from another Mr. Burgess arrived as well. Well, we're right now quite uncertain as to which one belongs to your husband. And either way, frankly speaking, the results are not too good"
"What does that mean?" asks Mrs. Burgess.
"Well one of the specimen tested positive for HIV and the other positive for Alzheimer, but we can't tell which is which"
"That's terrible" exclaimed Mrs. Burgess "can't you do the tests again?"
"Well, normally yes, but MEDICARE only pays for these expensive tests once"
"Well, what am I supposed to do?"

"The MEDICARE helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere the other side of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Human affairs are not so happily arranged that the best things please the most men. Therefore it is often the sign of a bad cause when it is applauded by the mob. ----Seneca----
franca's Avatar
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16-Feb-2011, 02:41 PM #9
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
Paquadez's Avatar
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17-Feb-2011, 05:28 AM #10
In similar vein...........

I went to see the doctor in a highly confused state: "Doc! I can't decide if I'm a Wigwam or a Tepee!"

"I know what's wrong with you! You're too tense!"

Went to see the Doc; he said "Hello! Haven't seen you for a long time!"

"No, "I said, " I've been ill!"

Two TV aerials met on a roof: fell in love and decided to marry.

I was invited to the wedding.

The ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant!

I said to the Doc, "I've a strawberry growing on the top of my head!"

He said, "I'll give you some cream for that!"
buffoon's Avatar
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Spain
Experience: comfortably numb
17-Feb-2011, 05:40 AM #11
The cannibals devouring a missionary got a taste of religion

When two fish swam into a wall, one turned to the other and said "dam"
franca's Avatar
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
17-Feb-2011, 03:56 PM #12
THE NEWFIE MIRROR






After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John’s .



In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'




He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly dame he's runnin' around with.'
Paquadez's Avatar
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17-Feb-2011, 05:10 PM #13
Young nubile Irish lass goes to confession.

Tells the priest she has been making hot passionate love all night to another woman's husband.

The priest thinks for a bit and says: "Go home, cut up seven fresh lemons and drink the juice straight down!"

"Will this absolve me of my dire sins, Father?" She asks.

"Nope!" says her priest" But it will wipe that damned self-satisfied grin from your face!"
franca's Avatar
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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17-Feb-2011, 06:03 PM #14
Nelson's 75th Birthday Quote


Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.




"I have outlived my pecker."


The Penis Poem
My bookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
franca's Avatar
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver British Columbia
18-Feb-2011, 03:37 PM #15
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
As Seen On

BBC, Reader's Digest, PC Magazine, Today Show, Money Magazine
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