[Davec]

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who's coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it's my uncle Brian."

[Farmgirl22]

Cat Yodeling...Watch out for "Inga's boobies"....

[Farmgirl22]

Yeah, it's another one....Ginger Cat for President! (I'd vote for her in 2012! )

[Davec]

When I went inside the station to pay for my tank of gas, I noticed a sign asking patrons to tell the cashier the number of their pump. Even though I was the only customer, I decided to be silly and tell him anyway. "I'm Number One," I announced.

He smiled. "Well, now. Looks like those motivational tapes are really working for you."

[franca]

HOW do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

[lexmarks567]

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

[lexmarks567]

* What do you call epileptic lettuce?
* Seizure salad.

[HiddinK]

Originally Posted by twinofangelize56

Divorce vs. Murder


A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

LOL

[RootbeaR]

Originally Posted by lexmarks567

"My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’"
http://www.cracked.com/blog/call-cen...a-comfort-wipe

[franca]

KNOCK, knock. Who's there?

The world's stupidest burglar.

[Davec]

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

[Davec]

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

[Davec]

Over the years I have heard my share of strange questions and silly comments from people who call the computer software company where I work as a tech support telephone operator. But one day I realized how absurd things can sound on the other end of the line when I heard myself say to one caller, "Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order to download our upgrade software."

[Davec]

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye.

It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”

Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”

[franca]

WHAT do you call a man with no shins? Toe-knee.