[franca]

Originally Posted by Blackmirror

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

When behind him he hears:

Bump...



BUMP...


BUMP...



Walking faster he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...



Terrified the man begins to run toward his home the casket bouncing quickly behind him



FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




He runs up to his door fumbles with his keys opens the door rushes in slams and locks the door behind him.


However the casket crashes through his door with the lid of the casket clapping



Clappity-BUMP...



Clappity-BUMP...



Clappity-BUMP ...



On his heels the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding his head is reeling his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.






Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something anything but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate he throws the cough syrup at the casket...













And The coffin stops

Nice one LL...........Mmmmmmmm now where have I seen this before !!!...........Happy Halloween..

[RSM123]

You made a grave error posting that BM.

----------------------

In the village of Hurbum, Hertfordshire, near Tillet Town - lives Lucy Lykes who owns the Cockwell Inn Public House - the address is: Lucy Lykes, The Cockwell Inn,
Hurbum, Tillet, Herts.

----------------------

Jock's Wife:-
Jock takes his wife to casualty.
She has no teeth, a broken nose, and two black eyes.
The A&E doctor asks Jock "So, what's happened here then?"
Jock explains "She's going through the change."
Dr says "That doesn't happen during the change."
Jock replies "It does when it's still in my pocket!!"


--------------------------

Professor of Maths sends his wife a text. "Dear wife, you are 54 years old and by the time you get this, I will be at a motel with my gorgeous 18yr old assistant. I am sorry, afraid I'll be late home!"

Wife sends him a text reply "Dear husband, you're also 54 and by the time you read this, I will be in a motel with my 18yr old toyboy. You're a mathematician - so you will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18...so don't wait up floppy."

----------------------------

I'm not usually a suspicious person, but the missus just said that Gavin from Autoglass Windscreen Repair popped round earlier, he injected his special resin into her crack........she hasn't even got a car!

----------------------------


Dear Grim Reaper,

This year, you have taken my favourite actor - Patrick Swayze, my favourite chef Keith Floyd and my favourite singer Steven Gately. Just writing to let you know that my favourite politicians are Tony Blair and Robert Mugabe !

-----------------------------

Computers...

An expert once predicted that computers will eventually replace paper altogether...ok he must have been bright being able to see just how much this technical invention would transform the whole world BUT obviously that expert has never tried wiping his a-hole with a laptop !

[Davec]

Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
Section 1400.01 - General

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "open bar" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Cadillac dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, currency, or staged vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Harvested attorneys must have a state health department inspection for distemper and rabies prior to being stuffed or mounted.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as an accident victim, young law clerk, drug dealer, bookie, or sheep for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys.

[Davec]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

[lexmarks567]

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

[franca]

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the
wind wouldn't blow it away..

A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be
forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold unto my hat."

"But madam, he said, "you must know that your derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. This hat is brand new."

[xico]

Little Shrunken sings the blues


http://www5.selu.edu/mail_parts/7b1b...277dff3dab.wmv

[franca]

Wedding Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th
Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
Other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered,Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
Husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
The Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but
An opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love.....but
My wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93
Years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *******s should remember
Fairies are female.....

[franca]

Originally Posted by xico

Little Shrunken sings the blues


http://www5.selu.edu/mail_parts/7b1b...277dff3dab.wmv

[Couriant]

[franca]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some- odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack! Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'

[franca]

How Long Will I Live?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. . 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a s**t?

[lexmarks567]

How pumpkin pie is made

[franca]

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[Davec]

Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British. The British chemist asks the American chemist, "So what do you do for research?" The American responds, "Oh, I work with aerosols." The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."