[ashes@work]

Originally Posted by Vaeltaja

Why are pirates always happy?

Because they Aaaaaaaarrrhhh

now that was an interesting first post

[EdtheRed]

Originally Posted by Vaeltaja

Why are pirates always happy?

Because they Aaaaaaaarrrhhh

I sense the Yarrr!!! is strong in this one.

[ashes@work]

one night a man stumble in at 3 am. Knowing his wife would be very upset, when the coo coo clock went off, he knew he better take action so that she thought it was midnight and then he went to bed.

When they woke in the morning... the wife asked what time he got home and he said midnight like i said i would be.

The wife said good, but i think we need a knew coo coo clock.

worried the husband ask why..

She said well, when it rang midnight, it cooed 3 times, said $hit, cooed 3 more times, farted, cooded 4 more times, cleared its throat, and cooed 2 more times and giggled when it was done.

[EdtheRed]

Two men walked into a bar, the third ducked.

[ashes@work]

its hard for a barmaid to know if the people at the bar are drunk or just stupid

[lexmarks567]

duck walks into a store orders some lip stick sales person goes will that be cash or charge no just put it on my bill

[lexmarks567]

http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/7/Eggs_Birthday

[lexmarks567]

ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCE EXCUSES FROM PARENTS
-- INCLUDING SPELLING ERRORS.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Please excuse Diane from school yesterday. She wasn't feelng well.
Signed Diane's mother.

[franca]

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so at it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Gabe shook his had sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."

[twinofangelize56]

Subject: 3 Little Pigs



The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "But why have you only
ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....








The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way
home!"

[twinofangelize56]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

...........that's when the fight started............

[franca]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit angry.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."

[franca]

Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"

[lexmarks567]

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
> stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
> midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
> and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
>
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
> been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" And on and on and
> on...
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
> and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
> soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
> he dragged himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
> told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
> of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
> realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
> upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
> she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying
> his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
>
> To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
> DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!??"

[franca]

Q. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A. A walkie-talkie!..