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cleaning up hd, found this

Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by valis, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

    1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last Tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the %^&&*#@* cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little jerks's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Fetch heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Clinic, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
    1. Wrap it in bacon
     
  2. poochee

    poochee

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    Funny! You should post it over in Photo in the cat thread. Just a suggestion.
     
  3. iltos

    iltos

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    i always enjoy seeing this (y)
    never fails to bring a chuckle
     
  4. Chicon

    Chicon

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    Good post, valis !
    It's so true. I know it by experience, I've two cats. Two years ago, one of them got a brain attack and I had to give her two pills a day during six weeks. She is fine now.

    [​IMG]
     
  5. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    question is, have YOU healed yet? :)
     
  6. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    I've got one cat, but have had cats (and dogs) for since I was 6 or so. The uncanny accuracy of that never ceases to amaze me. My cat, when I have to give her pills, holy cow. She's a big cat, about 16-17 pounds, but not fat; rather, big boned (you should've seen the look she shot the vet when he said THAT), and to give her a pill, I have to hold her neck down with a fair amount of force, and then prise her jaws open and cram that thing far enough down that swallowing is the only choice she has.

    Even then, I would say about 15% of the time I will find it barfed up somewhere in my office, usually in a shoe of mine. Surely an accident. :)
     
  7. Chicon

    Chicon

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    I still have some little souvenirs on my arms. :D
     
  8. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    that, my friend, I do not doubt.....glad that you both are healed, though....must have been tough on you.....
     
  9. iltos

    iltos

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    cat's are nothing but a soft and cuddly tornado....underneath their royal fuzziness' is a coiled spring of sinew and muscle.....

    we've three kitties now, the first left on our doorstep by one of my daughter's friends (who knows her well enough to know that "no" and cute kitties have no connection in my daughter's brain), the other two haveing arrived by way of my ex, who urgently thought that the poor lonely kitty needed one playmate (the thinking, i suppose, was that if one is good, two must be better)

    so three kitties....and a big ol lummock of a dog....sweet and curious.....smart and stupid at the same time....first thing he does is sniff these little guys up and down....curiosity, not malice....the biggest of these three tiny -very tiny (all came from sources where underage is not a consideration)- looks this giant beastie of an "enemy" in the eye and wacks him across the nose

    the dog yanked his head back with a yelp, and a look so startled i just laughed.

    guess he thought he was dreaming tho, 'cause he stuck his face into the group again....tail still awag, all friendly and buddylike

    bam!!!

    i think it broke his heart to find out they expected some manners from him...at any rate, he's started acting all cuddly like a cat....jealous, i think

    but they do like his company...in moderation.
     
  10. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    you hit the nail on the head, there, iltos......cats are 20 pounds of dynamite in a 5 pound bag, and dogs are big and dumb.....but friendly......that's happened more than once between our two fuzzy kids (cocker spaniel and cat) but they generally get along well enough.....they are united in their terror of our two year old, and with extremely good reason, I would say.

    the dog looks at us; we pet him, play with him, feed him, and he thinks; "They must be Gods!"

    the cat looks at us; we pet him, play with him, feed him, and he thinks; "I must be a God!"

    :)
     
  11. Chicon

    Chicon

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    (y) :D
     
  12. MorrisAO

    MorrisAO

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    (y) Got it in one, Valis.. :p

    As is said, "Cats don't have owners, only staff" :D
     
  13. PCG342

    PCG342 Banned

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    I have a cat that's never had a bath in his life - and he's only a bit younger than me.
    See, when he even gets near that water, he essentially shreds whoever is nearby. And it takes maybe three people to disengage his claws from the hapless victim's flesh.
    We only tried once.
     
  14. poochee

    poochee

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    Pics like this always make me smile.:) Glad she is OK!
     
  15. valis

    valis Moderator Thread Starter

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    love it, going to have to steal it.

    my cat owns the world. I merely pay the rent. :)
     
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