Favourite Quotes !!

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.



"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
Robin Williams.



"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carey.


"Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique."
Peter Ustinov.


"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
Salvador Dali.


"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter."
Tommy Cooper.

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)


"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
- Jimi Hendrix


"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
- Mel Brooks

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

 

nice one joe............here are some i got sent,dunno whos responsible.




1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ... then things get worse.

 

and also some "stressed speak"

01. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-f*** you!!!"
02. "You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing?!"
03. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up."
04. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
05. "Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after."
06. "Do I look like a ****ing people person?"
07. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting."
08. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."
09. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You
choose."
10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
self-control."
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like s*it. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If a$$holes could fly, this place would be a friggin airport."

 

Excellent $teve !

 

Just to add one to Steve's last post....one of my favourites.....

"How many times do I have to flush you before you'll go away?"

I know more than one person I'm tempted to say that to....

 

Ummmmmm.......I bet