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Gbrumberisms ...

Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by Rhettman5.1, Jan 5, 2003.

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  1. Rhettman5.1

    Rhettman5.1 Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2002
    Messages:
    1,592
    I recieved these from a anominous TSG member...only the best are included :)...

    What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
    A Doberman.

    Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
    New Jersey got to pick first.

    What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.

    What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
    Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

    What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
    Your honor.

    What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
    Senator.

    What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's a fish.

    Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
    Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

    What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
    Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

    Of course, these are all in good fun !:eek: ...Rhett
     
  2. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
    Messages:
    57,793
    Lawyer Vs. The Blonde
    Author: Unknown

    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
    flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
    she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
    a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
    catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and
    a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't
    know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
    politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
    the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will
    pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
    easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and
    figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she
    plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
    earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to
    her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
    lawyer.

    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
    hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks
    at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
    searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
    modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
    Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he
    knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde
    and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
    away to get back to sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
    and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
    blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
    to sleep.
     
  3. Rhettman5.1

    Rhettman5.1 Thread Starter

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,592
    You realize we are about to be edited/banned and marked for life ! The only thing that will save us is volunteer Pool Boy service at Candy's place...come to think of it...things could be worse !! :D ..Rhett
     
  4. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
    Messages:
    57,793
    rhett,

    Hey if I get to go to Candy's then I better post some more. :D :p :D
     
  5. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
    Messages:
    57,793
    The Bunny And The Snake
    Author: Unknown

    Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

    "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

    "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

    "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

    "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."
     
  6. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
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    57,793
    Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
    Author: Unknown

    Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

    The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

    "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

    While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

    When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

    Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

    "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
     
  7. hewee

    hewee

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    57,793
    The Case Of The Missing Bull

    Author: Unknown


    A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

    The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

    After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
     
  8. Rhettman5.1

    Rhettman5.1 Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2002
    Messages:
    1,592
    the hole is getting deeper ...

    How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
    A1: Take your foot off his head.
    A2: No.

    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand. :)
     
  9. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
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    57,793
    Father Lawyer Hater

    Author: Unknown

    There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.

    Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.

    While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car.

    He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"

    :p All in fun Mulder :p
     
  10. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
    Messages:
    57,793
    Mrs. Jones, Do You Know Me?

    Author: Unknown

    A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

    At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
     
  11. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
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    57,793
    Never Felt Better

    Author: Unknown


    An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

    After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

    The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

    The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

    The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

    "I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

    So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

    The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

    Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

    Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
     
  12. Rhettman5.1

    Rhettman5.1 Thread Starter

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    We better give poor Mulder a break !!

    So Mulder...a arm, or a leg ??:eek:
     
  13. hewee

    hewee

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2001
    Messages:
    57,793
    OK they have more at the site I can get later. :p
     
  14. anlore2001

    anlore2001

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    7,131
    First Name:
    Andrew
    OK Guys... I can't resist... We all will get banned and shamed for life together...

    A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
    He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
    offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
    "How much for Engineer brain?"
    "3 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for brain?"
    "4 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for lawyer brain?"
    "100 dollars an ounce."
    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
    "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
     
  15. anlore2001

    anlore2001

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2001
    Messages:
    7,131
    First Name:
    Andrew
    here's another one:

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
    thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
    St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
    the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
    tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
    line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
    mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
    your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
     
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