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Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by help4me, Feb 8, 2007.

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  1. help4me

    help4me Thread Starter

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    How do you get angry at the action and not the person? How do you separate the two? Say for instance a family member has been taking money out of a bank account, and then been lying about it. Say this family member has caused said bank account to be overdrawn. And before you can get the bank account closed after you have put it back in the black....more money disappears. And then say said family member asks to borrow a large sum of money for a frivolous activity.... ignoring the fact that currently the utilities can't be paid. And when met with a "hell no, bills come first" said family member becomes irate. And then..... said family member attempts to take the requested money anyway.... but through preemptive measures can not do so because said bank account was closed, and funds transferred. So..... how do you not "hate" said family member? How? How do you not give up on this person? How do you protect the well being of the rest of the family... without disowning said family member? How do you still love your dad when he is robbing the family blind? How do you keep a father/ daughter relationship through all the lies? How do I keep from losing my dad too after just losing my mom? How? I feel like i have been put in a situation where I have to protect the rest of the family from my own dad.... who used to be an honest person. How? Please.... I don't want to lose my dad too. I know he's lost and hurting.... but I have to put the well being of the rest of us over my dad. He is an adult and has to step up to life's responsibilities. I have my grandmother and my two girls to think of. They can't fend for themselves. I have to provide for them. There are no other options for them.

    So I ask you..... how do I not lose my dad through all of this? I have had to take measures I never thought I would have to, in order to protect the financial stability of the family. Against my own father! A man who always had my respect. This hurts worse than losing my mom.

    I'm at a loss on how to protect the family and still keep some sort of relationship with my dad. I....I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to help him. I'm at the point now that I don't trust him. I can't. I've caught him too many lies. I have had to take extreme measures to prevent any further damage, and am slowly running out of options to fix the finances. But I'm not worried about that part of things. That's fixable, now that he can do no further damage. What I am worried about is how to keep a relationship with my dad. I don't want to lose him too. But I am so hurt and angry and crushed that he would do this. I don't know how to fix that part of things.

    What do I do? How do I keep my dad?
     
  2. angelize56

    angelize56 Always remembered in our hearts

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    You know how I feel Bonnie...as we've discussed this! :( This has been so hard on you and I feel so bad for you and your family! I know you love your Dad...and how hard it is to know he is human with the same propensity for misdeeds as anyone! We like to think of our parents as loving, caring individuals who would do us no harm...never let us down...sadly this isn't always the case! :( I can understand your anger...your Dad has let you down tremendously! But somehow I feel you have to try to let go of the anger no matter how maddening your Dad is! You are adversely affecting your own mental health...your Dad needs to step up and be a man! He is displacing his anger onto you for getting caught doing what he did! Maybe he's acting out his grief at your Mom's...his wife's loss...in this unsavory way! I know it's going to be hard to ever trust him again...especially around your money! :( Let your Dad be angry you won't lend him money....what did he do with the money he stole from the bank account? Does your Dad work? Bonnie you have it rough trying to support yourself, your daughters and Grandma...I can't imagine adding your Dad to that list! I think there comes a time you just have to use tough love...and remind him he is a father...but he is also a man who needs to step up to the plate and contribute his fair share to your family! He has to earn your trust again! I know you will never stop loving your Dad...but you can't let him walk all over you on the other hand! I doubt this has helped you much...but I hope in some small way it has! Know I care very much about you and I will pray for you and your family! *HUGS* my sister! :)
     
  3. Rockn

    Rockn

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    Tough love!! Cut him/her off from all access to everything financial(Change account numbers and authorized access) if they are not responsible enough to to tell the truth or control themselves.
     
  4. Gabriel

    Gabriel Account Closed

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    Without getting into details, I had to draw a very concrete line in my family twice.
    It was hard, and I felt harsh....but had to do it. The first time for emotional survival......the second for both emotional and financial.
    Neither was a mistake, and trying to hold the pattern of things the way they were headed would have been devastating for all.:(
     
  5. hannab

    hannab

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    Hi Bonnie,
    I think the answer to your problem is in your sig......you need to be there for your daughters and Grandmother - whether you have a realtionship with your father seems to be for him to choose, at this point.

    I pray that soon you will have peace in your life.

    [​IMG]
     
  6. katonca

    katonca

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    Bonnie, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.
    But, you said it best:
    You want to know how to keep from loosing your dad. Your dad should be the one worried about healing the broken relationship that has occurred because of HIS actions. Your family's well being comes first, and if your dad can't understand that then he'll just have to be mad. :(
     
  7. iltos

    iltos

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    coupla thoughts

    i dunno your dad, but anger can be a manipulative tool in a relatonship, particularly within a family....

    you don't have to BE angry to tell someone that you are angry with their behavior...just tell him, add those priorites, the importance of your family and its needs, 'cause their right on the money, and let him go off.....it's not your responsibility that he avoids anger....or anything else, for that matter.
     
  8. Pistoff

    Pistoff

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    Not trying to draw attention here but I noticed that you had stated the word "TWICE".
    ONCE IS enough for myself.
     
  9. clhcpa

    clhcpa Banned

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    Very wise words Iltos. And I agree. You have a responsibility only to the needs of your daughters and your grandmother, and you can't worry about your father's anger at this point.

    One other thing you might consider - I don't know what your father's age is, but many times when an older person starts displaying inappropriate behavior it could be a sign of early onset Alzheimer's. If your father has a family physician, this could be something you could check into. Just a thought.

    And, again, it could also be grief from your mother's death. But, you have done what you can do to protect the money situation, and you should not feel guilty about taking care of things, even if he gets angry.

    I'm sorry this is so hard on you. I hope this situation settles down soon.:)
     
  10. help4me

    help4me Thread Starter

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    Thank you all for your support and help. I have done what I can I guess. I just feel like I am losing my dad too. And I want to keep this family together. His anger doesn't concern me. He'll get over it. What bothers me is that he lied! To ME!
     
  11. iltos

    iltos

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    i hope this doesn't sound shallow or callous...and i know it does nothing to ease the feelings...
    but what you've done has got nothing to do with losing your dad..that happened a while ago, it sounds, because of his choices (how could a father do that to his own daughter!!! :mad: )

    you're finally just acknowledging that....and methinks thats what hurts
     
  12. help4me

    help4me Thread Starter

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    Whoa..... I..... I....... that makes perfect sense. You're right. *sigh*

    So...... now what? Let it go..... forgive and forget.... for my own sake? Protect the family.... do what I have to.... and let the rest of it go?
     
  13. iltos

    iltos

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    i had a similar situation with my dad...in some ways, much easier, because it didn't involve money, nor a family to protect

    and, it was probably a more commonplace occurance.....we didn't see eye to eye at all on who or what i "should" be....drove a wedge between us for several years....he attacking my lifestyle as a generality....and me defending....me....and ended finally be my realizing how incredibly stupid i was defending his own son, who was right there talking to him, a picture of honor and integrity and compassion and strenght.....something that he already knew, but couldn't "prove" to himself because the standard yardstick he used to measure people didn't apply.

    how frustrating was that? :eek:

    it was easy to love him then, and to just "be" there when i was with him, and to let him draw his own conclusions 'bout stuff....just as i was doing :)
     
  14. help4me

    help4me Thread Starter

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    Wise words indeed. Now if only I can put them into practice
     
  15. franca

    franca

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    You Always Hurt The One You Love


    You always hurt the one you love
    The one you shouldn't hurt at all
    You always take the sweetest rose
    And crush it till the petals fall
    You always break the kindest heart
    With a hasty word you can't recall
    So If he broke your heart last night
    It's because he loves you most of all
     
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