1. Computer problem? Tech Support Guy is completely free -- paid for by advertisers and donations. Click here to join today! If you're new to Tech Support Guy, we highly recommend that you visit our Guide for New Members.

i'd like your thoughts on this

Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by iltos, Jan 25, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Advertisement
  1. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    i thought about putting this over in CD, but random seems more intimate...and so here it is

    their is undoubtedly an aspect of "airing my dirty laundry" about this, but...what can i say?...this is as much of a community as the one i'm about to talk about.

    i live in a small town, a mixed demographic of "everybody knows everybody" and "suburban bedroom community"

    my daughter became a teenager last year, and the change was dramatic...she developed new friendships, and, like many adolescents, pushed the boundaries of her independance HARD....but many kids did here, and parenting fell into three camps: 1) the largest, those who clamped down, insisting on "home before dark" and rigourous control of who/what/where/why/when....2) a smaller group, like myself.....who saw the issue as an opprotunity for their child to start grappling with the relationship between freedom and responsibility....an opprotunity made possible by the fact that this town has a small business district, "chique" in the sense that there is lots of evening activity, outdoor eating, weekend music....hangouts frequented by young and old alike.....it's a family place, and it is as safe as any place can be....and 3) the leftovers, who in their hearts want to be part of the first group, but, for a variety of reasons, can't seem to get there.

    anyway, my daughter's close circle of friends, and their parents, is generally known to me...mostly because the kids are all the same age and have all known each other for most of their lives....

    and last year, these kids did get into some trouble....skateboarding downtown, some displays of attitude, and some behaviour that was out of line....we parents dealt with it, met together with our children, and our local police (who had confiscated some skateboards and had to deal with the reports of attitude/behavior, and so were well aware of the situation).....the kids listened, acknowledged their responsiblity, and since the meeting, have "cleaned up their act"

    but now, of course, the kids are in the police's crosshairs -in part because of the "leftover group" i mentioned above....and they remain actively concerned, like many of you, probably, that the freedom my daughter and her friends have can only lead to trouble

    i respect that risk, and while i may sound like some uncaring parent, i monitor my daughter closely, and take a very proactive role in guiding her through this part of her "growing up"...we have a good relationship...she is not without her secrets, but about the important stuff, we talk....a lot.....to the point of my daughter getting exhasperated

    "ok, dad" :rolleyes:

    ....but she hears me

    i love it :)

    so that's the big picture

    here's the smaller one

    before xmas, on of the kids from the "leftover" group (i'm gonna call him fred) took a big ol bottle of vodka from his parent's liquor cabinet and one of my daughter's friends ended up getting drunk....it wasn't a big "public display of drunkeness"....but all we parents found out about it (from our kids, mind you), and told our kids to distance themselves from fred....(they'd actually already figured that out)

    ok, dad:rolleyes:

    but fred's parents were rightfully concerned and made a bigger issue out of it, calling all the cellphone numbers on fred's phone, talking to the parents of those numbers , and inviting everyone to dinner at a local restuarant to discuss it...

    i suggested that the kid's come too, and we lay the whole issue out in plain site for everyone to see....that's my style, and it was rejected

    the day of the meeting, fred ran away from home, ended up in the neighboring community, drinking beer with a bunch of twentysomethings (found this out at the meeting)....fred's parents invited an officer to attend, who went on and on about our kids being at risk.....

    understood

    the first thing i noticed at the meeting was the NONE of my daughter's friend's parents were there, tho i know for a fact that most of them were invited

    it was a meeting of the "leftover" group...none of them had ever met me, or my daughter, and they were all frustrated and angry and frightened by the lack of control they had over their kids.....grateful both for the officer's willingness to lecture them, and for his willingness to intervene on a "larger scale", which was left kind of open ended.

    after the officer left, he went and found my daughter and a couple of her friends, who were "hanging out" in front of one of the friend's house....the boys doing skateboarding antics, the girls talking....he basically rubbed the meeting in their faces, saying that 'things were gonna change around here'....he scared 'em, since none of them knew what the heck he was talking about....

    small pototoes....the big potato is him calling one of the twins (both skater boys, mixed race, one a straight A student, the other not so smart bookwise) the "n" word :eek:

    whether it was provoked by some attitude, i can't say...my daughter says no, but i take that with a grain of salt (i can almost see one of them saying "whatever" and turning away with a completely dimissive attitude)....so....more than likely some attitude....

    bottom line, then....there is another meeting tonight...parents and police (no kids) to talk about our kids being at risk....my feeling is that something major is gonna come down, so i want to be there in case it does, to know what it is...and i want to be there to lend support to the community, and to those parents whose kids are most definately in a bad way (fred's, mostly)

    but i also don't want to go....i am angry about the ****** incident, but feel that even bringing it up would do more harm than good....and i don't really want to associate myself with these parents who want the police to help them parent.

    go....or not.....thoughts?
     
  2. coderitr

    coderitr

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    3,015
    Let me start by saying I have a six-year old so I'm a few years away from dealing with situations similar to yours. I would go to the meeting just to be there and know what's going on in case your daughter finds herself in "Fred's" circle. I would also talk to the local chief of police about the officer who used the racial slur in the face of a teen. That's just stupid. That's inflammatory, unnecessary and provocative. I would also talk to the chief about having kids arrested when they cross the line but somehow keep it off the books. I fully intend, if I find drugs on my son, to do so. Hopefully, there's something about being handcuffed, put in the back of a cruiser, escorted into the station, fingerprinted and locked up that will scare these kids straight. It would me, that's for sure.

    Just my $.02
     
  3. littlemar

    littlemar

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2001
    Messages:
    9,082
    I would go but to be the advocate for the kids and your method of parenting. Explaining to the police officer that they should be considered innocent until proven guilty. Isn't that called profiling when they clump all the teens in one big group? i.e, they're all troublemakers. I have a 16 year old daughter who also tells me "just about" everything. I hear about bad tests, grades, etc. I do not hear about the kids that tell her a secret. (unless it's something she is confused about - to help or not help)

    A parent needs to know that they brought up their children to know the difference between right and wrong. And trust them (for the most part) to know too. My daughter has attitude but it goes with the age (she's the youngest of four so I know).
     
  4. Mulderator

    Mulderator

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 1999
    Messages:
    51,022
    Who is "him"--you lost me there.
     
  5. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    good posts, both of you (y)

    i really appreciate you taking the time to answer a very long post

    coderitr....excellent suggestion about discussing the n-word with the police chief :)
     
  6. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    the officer who sought out the kids, mulder...
     
  7. Mulderator

    Mulderator

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 1999
    Messages:
    51,022
    Do it anonymously--being in a small community, it will be a "he said/she said"--the cop will deny it whether he said it or not and there is no way to prove it. You don't want some cop to know that iltos made a complaint to the Chief for obvious reasons. I don't mean to sound like its a "copout" :D, but you'd be making a complaint on dubious evidence (hearsay).
     
  8. coderitr

    coderitr

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    3,015
    Good advice.
     
  9. f1_champ

    f1_champ Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2005
    Messages:
    713
    How is your daughter and her friends at risk when they had nothing to do with "fred's" running away?:confused:
     
  10. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    by association, and the fact that they did have those incidents that the police took reports about last year

    the whole thing with fred running away is basically between him and his parents (tho the parents did call the police, apparently, when they found out where he was)
     
  11. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    yes...very good advice....the smallishness of the community is definately at work here...thanks, mulder(y)
     
  12. poochee

    poochee

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2004
    Messages:
    124,720
    I agree with the advice already offered.(y)
     
  13. Shadow Bea

    Shadow Bea Cherished forever in our hearts

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    8,924
    I too agree with the advice given so far. And I would go to the meeting if for no other reason than to be in the loop about what is going on. And to keep an eye on how the police are handling it. There is a Latin phrase "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes" in English meaning Who will guard the guards Make sure that the power to parent your children doesn't fall into the wrong hands.


    .
     
  14. Gabriel

    Gabriel Account Closed

    Joined:
    May 1, 2003
    Messages:
    17,353
    I agree with everyone...I would go to the meeting. There are a lot of different things going on here, and it is better to know where each other stands, and how each other takes the situation. I do like it that previous to the other meeting, you wanted to include the kids, even if it was to just have them present at the restaurant....it shows your openness to not be secretive toward them...it also sends a caring message to them....at their age I would have been Fred (in the feminine), and ran away to....I was a troubled child and teen, sadly.
     
  15. iltos

    iltos Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2004
    Messages:
    18,287
    being the only one at that first meeting who felt the way i do about parenting adolescents, i came away from it feeling like the outsider, in spite of whatever good intentions i had.....so i want to thank everybody who's offered suggestions and comments about my dilemma

    i have agonized over it on and off for a week, knowing that i "should" go (for the reasons that we all recognize) but feeling like going was to condone both the officer's slur, and those parents who, imo, have failed to recognize that their kid is unique in his/her own way, and that some kids (theirs) will exert their independance way, WAY, WAY too early.....

    and if you can't stay present with 'em, you'll lose em.

    all of you have helped me to recognize that the strenght of my bias was the source of my agony....that my own idealism is not the issue here, and that i need to stay present with THIS, too, and get on with it...

    thank you :)
     
  16. Sponsor

As Seen On
As Seen On...

Welcome to Tech Support Guy!

Are you looking for the solution to your computer problem? Join our site today to ask your question. This site is completely free -- paid for by advertisers and donations.

If you're not already familiar with forums, watch our Welcome Guide to get started.

Join over 733,556 other people just like you!

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Short URL to this thread: https://techguy.org/437186

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice