Joke/humor time

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hewee

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Joined
Oct 26, 2001
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57,793
An A** Story

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local
auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up
buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local
paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S A** SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S A** OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A**

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS A** FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild
and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A** IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

==================================================

Good Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Caution: I drive like you do.
 
Joined
Oct 1, 2001
Messages
1,100
You have all the good stuff, hewee! Can I steal a bumper sticker line or two for my signature?
 
Joined
May 26, 2001
Messages
7,530
I too think I may need to steal one of those for my signiture...

Great stuff! Keep it coming.
 
Joined
Mar 11, 2001
Messages
664
Good stuff. Mind if I add a few bumper stickers I've seen?

-Driver carries only $20.... in ammunition.

-Charlton Heston is my President.


What can I say? I have an uncle who is a gun nut. :D
 

hewee

Thread Starter
Joined
Oct 26, 2001
Messages
57,793
Your all welcome to take what you want here, I have no rights to the post.:D


My Dog, Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to
renew his dog license I told the clerk I would like to have a
license for Sex. He said I'd like to have one, too." Then I said But
this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I
said But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years
old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog with me.
I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex.
I said You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't
understand," I said I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a
show-off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight custody of the
dog. I said Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said Me too. Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me.
He said Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked What are you doing in this alley
at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
 
Joined
Jan 30, 2001
Messages
3,992
Good stuff

Here's a sig I came across.

A bus stops at a bus station.

A train stops at a train station.

I have a Workstation.

:)
 

hewee

Thread Starter
Joined
Oct 26, 2001
Messages
57,793
Good one there.

Ok another one for ya.
-------------------------------------------------=

Looking Back

Did you ever want to go back to the time when.....................

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old, referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball
and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people"
rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
(and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!)

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
protectors.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up"
life.

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2001
Messages
1,741
Originally posted by hewee
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Hey hewee, :)

Hehe, THAT brings back some memories. After seeing
one of my friends with this attachment (a playing card
instead of a baseball card) I remember trying all sorts
of things (pieces of plastic, strips of soft drink cans, etc.)
to make a more authentic "motorcycle" sound.

Nothing seemed to beat the cards though...

Cheers, Mac
 
Joined
Feb 17, 2001
Messages
3,245
lol i just finished putting a card in my son's bike wheel...he thinks it's cool coz now he sounds like he has daddy's car. lol cute great mem's.
 
Joined
May 26, 2001
Messages
7,530
wow... those all bring back old memories for me too, and I'm not that old yet... even as old as refered to in your post. Haha.:D
 

hewee

Thread Starter
Joined
Oct 26, 2001
Messages
57,793
Yep those were the days Mac, GreenIs, deuce_mn.

We had this road that went up a long hill so after we made it to the top we would race back down as fast as we could go and those cards would be clicking away.
I grew up on a farm so a real cool thing was when we went to are Cousin's for a week.
They lived in a big town so we could walk up to this one store and get all the candy they had there. You name it if it was made that store had it.
Wax lips all the other junk.
We wanted to live there and are Cousin's wanted to live we was on the farm.
I think I am glad I grew up on a farm.
We did not farm but just lived in old farms houses with lots of room to play. All the barns to play on was fun. Talk about have you own place. Did not need a tree house with all the other barns around.
Those old farm homes were so big.
Another cool thing. Wood floors as a kid so you can slide across the room in you socks.


Yep the old days as a kid and...

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
Put your sweater on;
don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
How do you think you got here?

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
You are just like your father!

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
When you get to be my age, you will understand.

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
Just wait until your father gets home.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing-JUSTICE
One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like YOU.
Then you'll see what it's like."
 
Joined
May 26, 2001
Messages
7,530
wow... more memories. Those are so true. You were really lucky to grow up on a farm and not be a farming family. That would be the best! All that room to play and no cows to milk and no fields to plow! All you really needed was a sunny day and a empty pie tin and you were set. (when I was little my grandmother gave us pie tins and we ran around like we were racing cars... cheap entertainment... 8 cents or something a piece) I grew up in Uptown Minneapolis/Central Chicago, (we lived in mpls, but we moved there when I was born and still rented an apartment and condo out in Chicago... and my family was there) so a little space would have been real nice, but I like my childhood as it was. (growing up in da hood) The neighboorhood girls always loved all the little kids :D ;) (but that was only until New Kids on da Block showed up) and growing up a block away from Wrigley Field (where my grandfather lived) was really cool as a kid. (hell, it still is now) Going to school in downtown mpls in a half black high school was quite the experience in itself freshmen year. I would have loved to have had some space, peace and be able to see the stars, and not have to worry about what was making so much noise outside when you wanted to go to sleep at night... and who would end up on your front lawn that next morning for that matter) You might not realize how lucky you were. (and you might now see... well I'm sure you knew already... why your cousins wanted to switch so bad.) Just thought I'd share the memories...
 

hewee

Thread Starter
Joined
Oct 26, 2001
Messages
57,793
My dad was in the AF so we moved around a lot and did live one year on town when I was 7 but the other times were on farms and it was nice living on old 18xx farm house that were very big 3 story homes. You never hear don't play in the street.
I like the home in Goshen, NY the best. It was on 300 acres so lot of room to play. The cow barns had these bens hanging on tracks that went tru the barn to clean up the cow paddies. But see that there were no cows we have fun taking rides in it.
You could go very fast when you have two others pushing you. Yep we played cowboys all the time there too.
Then we were able to drive my dads MG out there too because of all the open land you could not hit anything. Now that was fun for a 9 year old to drive dads car.
You know dried cow paddies can fly a long way too.
You need to find good dry ones. They are good to shoot at too. Ya you could shoot guns also.

So even being on the farm and not having a thing to do you always find something to do.
We never had to worry about what was going on outside are home like you do in the city. So I am glad I grew up that way. It was when we moved to Ca. when I was 15 that things got bad because hey I was a kid in the city.
 
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