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Mending fences after someone you love dies.

Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by Galium, Aug 5, 2006.

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  1. Galium

    Galium Thread Starter

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    My mom died 11 years ago. We had many issues between us. Unfortunately, we barely spoke for about six months. She died suddenly without any resolution between us. Prior to her death she rewrote her will and cut me out of it. It's amazing how some people can reach beyond the grave for one last slap in the face.:(
    The only thing I can do is to make sure it doesn't happen to my daughter and me. We remove barriers in our relationship and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another. Setting some boundaries as we go. Learning from one another and always resolve any disagreements between us.
    Has something like this ever happened to anyone else here?:confused:
    I would be grateful to know how you dealt with the pain.
     
  2. MNG0304

    MNG0304

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    When a a close friend of mine died during a period where we had a major disagreement my grief lasted an abnormally long time and started affecting my daily life. I decided to write out what I remembered of the disagreement, what I thought my friend's side was and an apology on several sheets of paper. I took these papers to the BBQ and burned them while playing a song we both liked.

    It seemed to help, my grief was lifted a bit and my depression was not so overwhelming.

    My condolences for your loss and hope this may help you as well.
     
  3. Galium

    Galium Thread Starter

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    I did exactly the same thing.
     
  4. grandpaw7

    grandpaw7

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    Galium, I apologize for taking so much space and for writing in such detail about my relationship with my Mom, but your post has brought that relationship vividly into my mind and heart and I feel a strong need to vent my feelings and my pain.

    I need to provide some background. My Mom was a real hero. She came to America from Bohemia by herself when she was either seventeen or eighteen years old, not being to speak any English because when her mother died her stepfather made his stepchildren very unwelcome. So she first went to Vienna and worked as a maid before coming to America.

    After arriving at Ellis Island, Mom made her way to Omaha where she had relatives. She eventually went to work as a Harvey Girl at the Harvey House in Amarillo, Texas. Fred Harvey set up a series of restaurants at train stations along the Sante Fe railroad route and hired young girls as waitresses. He would provide the girls with room and board. Some of you may remember the movie about the Harvey girls.

    So Mom met my Dad, who worked for the Sante Fe, his family being one of those railroad families in which most men worked for a railroad. Dad died in 1939 leaving Mom with four children to finish raising, me, at ten, being the youngest. Dad did have a pretty good Sante Fe pension (this was well before pensions often turned out to be pie in the sky), but more money was needed to keep the family going. So, Mom, with her broken English, lack of education, no background in business, and a timid and somewhat reclusive personality, went in the business of renting rooms, which turned out to be easy to do since the war came along and brought the PanTex ordinance plant to Amarillo, along with a large influx of workers. She expanded that business by buying up adjacent properties to rent and did quite well financially.

    Anyhow, Mom led a pretty solitary life because her Irish inlaws weren't that keen on having a Bohemian in the family, and because Mom was timid, despite her business acumen, and not at all outgoing. I can't recall a single thing about Mom that is negative, although I sometimes think that she was not as affectionate as I may have needed.

    I was one of those who lived with his Mom into my thirties because I too was quite timid and not very good with the ladies. But then I married my best friend's wife when he died of cancer, leaving nine children. While the marriage was not made in hell, it certainly was not a product of heaven; perhaps limbo was where it came from. My former wife was a cold and very jealous woman. So when I made my visits to Mom, Betty Lee would sometimes drive by my Mom's house and then figure out some reason to complain that I should have spent that time doing something else. I will regret to my dying day my failure to tell Betty Lee where to go with her jealousy. So, on this Saturday, Mom called and wanted me to take her for a ride, something she had not done for some years. Betty Lee and I had just finished one of our arguments about my visits to Mom, which were all too infrequent, and in the most regretable incident of my life I told my Mom that I couldn't take her for a ride just then. The next day, Mom died, which is something I can't say without bringing the tears to my eyes and the pain to my soul.

    Bad as that would be for anyone, it was even worse for me because I happen to be one of those "caregiver" types who has a strong need to reach out to those in need.

    While I have some ambivalance about God, this terrible experience surely makes me hope there is one who somehow has given my Mom what she deserved but didn't get from me. God, the pain can be excruciating, though I am thankful that I have tried to be, and needed to be, the kind of person who does reach out to others, despite the fact that I rejected my Mom in her moment of need.
     
  5. Galium

    Galium Thread Starter

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    Dear grandpaw,
    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am grateful. I honestly felt the tears well up.
    I suppose the reason I started this thread is because the anniversary of my mom's death is September. This time of the year as with all of the other years I start mulling everything over again. I was hoping that I wasn't alone and now I know that I'm not.
    I am not a religious person although I fell that I am spiritual. I am also, like you, a caregiver.
     
  6. grandpaw7

    grandpaw7

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    Thank you very much Galium for your response. It is such a pleasant experience for posters to support each other rather than to judge each other.
     
  7. Gabriel

    Gabriel Account Closed

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    My brother died suddenly too some years back. we had much bad blood between us that ran unchecked for many years.
    I have used both prayer and writing to understand the dymanics of our distance and struggles. Also talking with people who have similar stuff helps enormously.
    I am learning to live with unresolved conflict.
     
  8. Galium

    Galium Thread Starter

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    Gabriel it's amazing.... My husband refused to bail his brother out of jail after he was busted for possession. He had had enough. The two of them barely spoke and my husbands brother was vicious when they did. My brother-in-law died of a drug overdose about a year or so later. It broke my husbands heart.
     
  9. mom2inky

    mom2inky

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    i am so glad you and your daughter have broken the cycle! My mom and my relationship was non-existent; my sister had a somewhat less volitale relationship with her. I went 2 years without seeing/talking to her. she got cancer and we kids took turns caring for her (her and i never resolved anything). Upon her death bed, 3 months later, she grabbed my sister and my hands and said "I love you". It took me years after to finally forgive her and ask her forgiveness; there was finally peace. Forgiving your mother now will give you the peace you need, it's not too late. Take care!
     
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