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Solved: Genuine Job Application?!

Discussion in 'Random Discussion' started by 1002richards, Jan 21, 2007.

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  1. 1002richards

    1002richards Retired Trusted Advisor Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2006
    Messages:
    5,333
    B&Q Job application.
    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
    submitted to B&Q (DIY store) in Tunbridge Wells (United Kingdom). They hired him because he was so funny.....
    NAME:
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crap job.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS:
    1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big ***** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes, absolutely.
     
  2. Blackmirror

    Blackmirror

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2006
    Messages:
    32,642
    LOL good for him ,, reminds me of this university application .. hope you dont mind me posting it here

    Actual University Essay



    What follows is a real, honest-to-god application from a student
    received by Southampton University, who was given a place on the course.

    ESSAY : In order for the admissions staff of our university to
    get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the
    following question :

    Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
    accomplishments you have realised, that have helped
    to define you as a person ?



    ANSWER from this "very individual student" :


    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
    I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
    making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
    ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and
    manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
    in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
    playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
    and I cook thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

    I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
    defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
    ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester
    United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

    When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.
    I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
    electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
    concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon
    over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
    I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
    Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I
    toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.

    I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned
    me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl
    tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
    once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one
    day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

    I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
    performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
    when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada,
    I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized
    a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
    On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
    Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
    I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some
    vegetables and a Breville Toaster.

    I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid,
    cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at
    the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
    surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.


    But I have not yet gone to this University.
    :rotflmao:
     
  3. 1002richards

    1002richards Retired Trusted Advisor Thread Starter

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2006
    Messages:
    5,333
    Blackmirror,
    That's great, I really like the subtle, understated style!

    Richard
     
  4. poochee

    poochee

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2004
    Messages:
    124,720
    Both are funny!
     
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