Solved: Genuine Job Application?!

1002richards

Thread Starter
Retired Trusted Advisor
Joined
Jan 29, 2006
Messages
5,333
B&Q Job application.
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q (DIY store) in Tunbridge Wells (United Kingdom). They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big ***** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
 
Joined
Dec 5, 2006
Messages
32,642
LOL good for him ,, reminds me of this university application .. hope you dont mind me posting it here

Actual University Essay



What follows is a real, honest-to-god application from a student
received by Southampton University, who was given a place on the course.

ESSAY : In order for the admissions staff of our university to
get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the
following question :

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realised, that have helped
to define you as a person ?



ANSWER from this "very individual student" :


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester
United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon
over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I
toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl
tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one
day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada,
I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized
a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some
vegetables and a Breville Toaster.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.


But I have not yet gone to this University.
:rotflmao:
 

1002richards

Thread Starter
Retired Trusted Advisor
Joined
Jan 29, 2006
Messages
5,333
Blackmirror,
That's great, I really like the subtle, understated style!

Richard
 

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